Larkspur turned sixteen last month. In my heart, she’s still this age. I surprised her with a Polaroid camera and she loves it. I love how opposite it is to a digital camera. The film is quite expensive, so photos are carefully considered and then treasured. Not like me with my camera, taking hundreds and then having to sort through them all, deleting most.
My dear little Ambrose only naps while nursing or being held. Nighttime is much the same though sometimes he sleeps for a bit in his crib (it’s right next to my side of the bed). It feels somewhat miraculous that I am still a functioning human being. Some mornings I ask Jonny to take Ambrose around 6 or 7 so I can sleep for about an hour in peace. His cries from somewhere in the house typically wake me. He is intensely attached to me and that brief morning separation is very upsetting for him. As exhausted as I am, the smile on his face when he sees me and his relief when I take him back in my arms is the sweetest thing. I think he is probably the most high-needs baby we’ve ever had, though sometimes I wonder if it’s more me and my age making my perception different.
Thankfully, Beatrix has seriously stepped up in the kitchen. She is helping with meal planning and grocery list-making. She’s baking and even cooking dinner sometimes and I sure do appreciate it. She has the most refreshing “can do” attitude about life. (Ironically, she was a very hard baby!)
I can’t keep up with housework, especially considering that at this time of year I am preoccupied with growing things when I can find a moment. I keep trying to figure out how I got anything done over the past twenty-plus years of caring for babies and children. Because to say I got things done is an understatement (though I’m afraid the things I did weren’t always the best things to spend my time on, but that’s a topic for another time.) I was insanely, and perhaps unhealthily, productive until about a year ago. I keep coming back to the fact that my other babies must have taken naps on their own and during those naps I was super-efficient. I know that I stayed up way too late as well. Oh, and I wore my babies on my back! My old bones won’t tolerate that anymore. These days, I carry Ambrose in my arms or on my hip so my hands aren’t free (somehow that is easier on my back than wearing him in a carrier.) I delegate tasks to the best of my ability and let things go. We’ll get cleaned up later. Ginny of ten years ago would have been really struggling. I’ve always relied on the illusion of being in control of my environment, and on being “productive” to feel good. I do still have low moments and sometimes I cry because I’m so tired and surrounded by mess while holding a heavy, fussy baby. But I feel like I am finally able to just be, to accept what is, and focus on the gift of this child. It’s both a privilege and a challenge to be so needed!
Thanks for sticking with me and my sporadic posts here during this year of Ambrose, my dear little baby who really needs his mother most all of the time.
p.s. Aren’t Larkspur’s ducklings darling? The photos of them were taken a few weeks ago. They are now huge and I can smell them all the way upstairs from their basement brooder despite daily cleaning. Behind every cute duckling photo, there is a very bad smell!!!
Happy (very belated) birthday to Larkspur! Can’t believe she is 16. Whenever you post about your kids’ birthdays, I realize just how long I’ve been reading your blog, haha. I started when Job was a newborn, so I suppose Larkspur was…10? Something like that? Crazy.
There is so much beauty in this post…Jonny painting Larkspur’s nails, Ambrose’ little face, Beatrix handling cooking and a baby (impressive), those snow-covered flowers, and those little ducklings…thanks for sharing it all.
Wishing you well, as always. Love from The Netherlands.
With two grown children and one’s young spouse, plus two little grandsons under our roof, and new widespread pain, I too am struggling to not just accept, but embrace “the baby who truly needs his mother more than the dirty dishes do,” literally for you, and figuratively for me. Every day I look at some form of chaos and have to tell myself that someday it will be clean. This is not what life at age 59 looked like in my head, but better that people are well-adjusted (even if it’s not me! 😂🤣) Rest as much as you can, sweet lady. Your body needs to last!
PS thank you for the warning about the ducks. I had considered a pair this year. I’ll stick with bunnies.
I think that babies are exhausting at any age – you and them! – but they don’t stay babies for long and you’re doing a great job. We bought a Hippy Chick hip seat with our youngest and it was the BEST thing that we had – it lets you stand up straight with your baby still on your hip which means that there’s not as much strain on your spine and you’ve only really got to hold them on the seat, not hold them up as well. You can turn the seat around to make a piggy back seat too – that was invaluable for us on holidays! This is the link to the website that made the one we had but you’ll be able to find something similar in the US, I’m sure. Mine was a second-hand one from Ebay so it’s worth looking there too.
https://www.hippychick.com/shop/hippychick-hipseat-baby-carrier/
Christine xx
That is so interesting what you say about your baby’s overwhelming needs, because I’m often feeling the very same way.
You and I were pregnant at the same time last year, and my Ruthie is almost 11 months old. She is my 10th baby, and the most difficult by far to integrate: strongly prefers me, only sleeps while being held/snuggling in my bed, etc. Hates crib, playpen, highchair, Bumbo seat and Johnny-jump-up swing thing. She can sleep pretty good in her car seat, and what a blessing that is.
I too feel like I am making very little headway in any of the areas I like to call “productivity”. Though I don’t know God sees it that way. I am 45 and I was thinking maybe that was the issue, but a very young friend gave birth to her first baby the day before I did and her baby is the very same. Maybe its being born into such a hyper agitated world? I guess I can relate. There are many days I really wish I had a super strong mother to carry me around on her big wide hip and that I could scream when I was set down…
3 things that help:
1. Prayer
2. Hymns
3. The “Did Do” list. (Just like a “To Do” but in reverse , you can write it at 2 am, when the devil taunts with accusation)
I can’t tell you how much this resonated with me. My surprise blessing (born when I was 46) has been the most difficult of my ten babies. I’d be tempted to say that it’s age, but somehow, it’s more. She doesn’t sleep, she can barely stand to be away from me or the one sibling she has deeply attached to. She is a blessing, a miracle, a gift… and an exhausting personality, all at once. Prayers for you, and for Ambrose. If you think of us, Alice and I could probably use prayers as well. LOL
Yay for you! Like so many other folks commenting here, you are a reminder of how authenticity wins the day. Your writing is always that at its core. It instantly rings true and speaks to readers. Additionally, your earnestness is such an admirable thing. All those accomplishments! Bringing to life all the children; providing them an environment in which they learn to thrive and… all the art you bring to the table – amazing! One day, you’ should write the memoir that will be such a rich education for everyone. Cheers!
This is a lovely post. The chicks are adorable. Larkspur is quite the young lady. HAPPY BIRTHDAY YEAR.
A Blessed Holy Week and a HAPPY EASTER
Joan
Ginny i love your posts. Beatrix is such a thoughtful young lady . hard to believe that Ambrose is getting so big. Hope you get to rest a little bit every day.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LARKSPUR May your birthday year be the best.
HAPPY And A BLESSED EASTER
Marion
Ginny, you are a VERY good mother. To recognize that Ambrose is a “needy” baby and that you have to sacrifice yourself and give to him is extremely perceptive knowledge. It would be so easy to complain, feel sorry for yourself and give him to someone else—I knew a woman who took a part-time job to get away from a needy child (which only made him more needy!) Mothering is the MOST important job you will ever do–and I know you know that. Housekeeper, cook, gardener all of those are secondary to mothering. I believe, like Jacqueline Kennedy, “It doesn’t much matter what else you do in life, if you botch raising your children.” I probably misquoted but you get her drift. And the proof is the adults they become. I have a sneaky suspicion your older kids are turning out wonderful.
Hi Ginny, Glad to hear from you. Ambrose is getting so big. Those chicks are adorable. It is hard to believe that Larkspur is 16. Beatrix is such a help to you. Your young ladies are beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. God Bless.
HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY LARKSPUR
HAPPY and BLESSED EASTER
Marilyn
The way you love Ambrose is a gift he take with him all his life. We’re content to wait for your beautiful writing.
I love this post. Thank you for being honest, Ginny. I used to read your blog many years ago, and I always marveled at how much you accomplished with so many little ones to care for…it is really soothing for me to hear you say that level of productivity was not healthy for you, because it means that maybe I wasn’t such a bum after all that I couldn’t accomplish all of that myself when my children were small.
I, too, am currently at a stage in life when I am learning to be more realistic about what I can and cannot do. For me, it’s not because I have little ones (my “baby” is 11!) but because I have chronic illness. I might never have been able to keep up the schedule you used to, but I have to realize now that I can’t do even the amount of work I myself used to do in a day. It’s painful to come to grips with my limitations, and I’m not quite at peace with it all. But getting there…
I always enjoy your posts, whether frequent or not. They are a pretty, peaceful rest in my day. Thank you for sharing! 🙂
ginny! so nice to see you. you are being too hard on yourself but i think all moms are.
my youngest was a lot like ambrose. all mama all the time. and it was beautiful but incredibly challenging for me. she also hated to sleep unattached to me and basically was upset with existence unless i was holding her. i don’t know why but some babies need to be glued to us until they grow more comfortable in navigating the world. it required so much energy and i pray that you find tiny moments of restoration.
don’t forget the old homeschooling adage: you can have a clean house, lots of cooked food or educated kids — pick two. 🙂
I can’t decide if my favorite picture is Ambrose’s cheeky over-the-shoulder glance from behind the cupboard door or his affronted lip-curl while in the carrier on Jonny’s back or the sheer joyous open-mouthed smile in the crib! Such a personality!
Happy Belated Birthday to Larkspur!
Prayers and hugs and blessings from NC
I remember reading that much earlier post about Larkspur – apparently I have been following for a long time. 😅 Happiest of birthday’s! Loved all the photos so much.
For years now I’ve always looked forward to your posts and your beautiful photos! I am very grateful for each one! I love the stories you tell about your family, which reminds me so much of my family. Alas, I no longer have any little ones in my lap – those difficult days are gone, and my oldest, once a chubby-faced little boy running through the woods playing Robin Hood in his hand-knit vest, is grown up and has moved out! I miss that little boy so much, although I’m very proud of how he has grown. I have forgotten the tiredness and the mess, and I just remember those beautiful smiles, and those sweet moments while nursing, or watching the first steps and the little children playing! It’s one of those ironies of life when it feels so difficult in the moment, and so sweet looking back!
To me, every one of your posts is a gift. I don’t know how you accomplish all that you do considering the sheer number of people in your house. I came from a large family as the oldest and only female of 8 kids which was quite enough for me as I only had one child myself and that was perfect. My grandparents also lived with us and my grandmother helped out with the laundry. From age 10 on, I did most of the cooking which served me very well over the years.
My #6 was like your Ambrose. Once he became mobile, he slowly grew out of it. Or at least that’s what I remember! We were at a very hectic period in our life with our oldest two being involved in many activities. I remember being extremely stressed. He’s 19 now and very capable and surprisingly laid back.
Oh, Ginny……I love your posts and your marvelous photographs, no matter how rare they are. I had two children and cannot imagine a family your size. You have amazed me all along! Give yourself a break…..I’m sure the Lord is!!!! I have a little calendar that reminds me every day that what God wants most of us is to focus on Him and not worry about that ‘to do list’ we women all have in our heads. It is not easy so I am grateful for the daily reminder!!!!! Cheers to you! Your are great!!!!
Thank you for this post. God is speaking directly to the core of my heart in so many ways through your words. I cannot thank you enough for your honesty. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your beautiful family.
Your posts always make me smile. It is almost nicer that they are not weekly because, like a Polariod picture, they are to be treasured. That being said, I am sending up prayers on your behalf that Ambrose will start exploring a bit and give you time to rest your arms, straighten your back, and take a breath. Love to you from the Midwest.
Love your posts Ginny! ❤️❤️❤️
I have read your blog for many years and have always been amazed at what you accomplish. Perspective is everything. Thank you for continuing to share your lovely photos and moments of your life.
Ginny, you are so honest. You are right, just be. You are doing the most important job on God’s earth nurturing a new member of the human race. Everything else can wait. It will still be there. You are inspiring. Thank you for sharing xxxx
P.S. Did you know if you put a copper coin in the water of your tulips they really stand to attention and last much longer. Even if they are droopy they will revive. Xx
Whenever I read your posts I am amazed at what you do accomplish! Your beautiful, loving family….wow!! What a treasure! I get blessed by the beauty and honesty you share.
Thank you!
Thank you for another thought-provoking post, Ginny. Ambrose is such a happy looking chap! With love 🙂
Oh, Ginny, I can relate to your feelings so well, even though my youngest is now 8.
To live up to your own expectations can be such a struggle.
I think that my experiences had everything to do with my childhood. In my family I was the one that everyone came to with their troubles, expectations and problems. I helped all of them and became really good at it. I began to think of it as my purpose in life. That it was kind of my raison d’être (I thought, I needed one). Maybe because I was the youngest, everyone thought, I would have nothing else to do or to interest me, than serve others and take care of their relationship to each other…
When I had my own children, this inner image of myself became very destructive. I could not live up to it anymore, but tried anyway. I worked harder and harder. My whole experience of becoming a parent was overshadowed by it.
Then came covid. It was to much for me. From one day to the next I realised, my kids would be home all the time (again) and I would have to teach them all by myself. I knew, it would not be possible for me to live my life the same way as before. Strange as it seems, this realisation was the best thing that could have happen. I reconsidered my whole life-strategy and came to the conclusion that nobody other than myself was having this kind of expectations anymore.
I let go, I minimized the kids stuff an mine dramatically (do you know the minimal mom on youtube?), I focused on one or two interests and let everything else go. It was so freeing to acknowledge this kind of “season” I am in and take the steps to declutter my life!
Not everything is perfect, of course. But my life is so much more peaceful and (almost) without guilt.
On a side note: Do you know „Hunt, gather, parent“, by Michaeleen Doucleff? I really love it. It is full of parenting strategies from families in three of the world’s most venerable communities: Maya families in Mexico, Inuit families above the Arctic Circle, and Hadzabe families in Tanzania (I got that description from amazon…). To me it is also taking away some of the pressure around parenting and brings back the fun of family life.
I am sending you love from Germany, Isabel
Hi Ginny,
It is always sweet to read your posts – I am glad you are keeping at blogging. The constant changing of the fast pace replacements are draining. And I have stopped reading them.
This morning I felt discouraged. My ninth baby is 11 months old today (!)- and my nights are terrible- my baby wakes but won’t sleep with me like other more needy ones I have had. It is up and down all night long.. I am in my mid 40s too. I am so sleep deprived and I can’t keep up with almost everything.
Your candidness was encouraging to me bc I gave in to the temptation to feel sorry for myself. Thanks for the encouragement to keep on keeping on.