I was chatting with another mom today, and she made a statement that kind of surprised me. She said something along the lines of, “I guess maybe I’m weird. But being a mom, being home with my kids and taking care of my family, it’s not enough for me. I really need to pursue other interests, follow my passions.”
I guess I’d just never heard it said out loud like that. The part that surprised me is that she thought that this made her “weird.” I think that some of us think that it makes us “less.”
Though sometimes it feels that way, we actually don’t cease to exist as individuals when we become mothers. Motherhood slams some of us so hard that it may take years to realize that, to remember who we are. I became a mom at twenty-two. I didn’t yet know who I was. I became “Mommy” before I became Me.
I probably am weird. But, having interests beyond caring for my family doesn’t mean that I love less. It doesn’t make me selfish.
It has taken me many years to figure out how to raise a family, a large one, and continue to follow my own passions. Before that, it took me many years to realize that if I didn’t find a way to do so, I was going to drown in this, and no one would be the better for it, my children included.
And you can add another dimension to this, this pursuit of passion. Jonny and I have learned that by pursuing mutual interests together, we have a better relationship, a better marriage. Our kids aren’t excited about every crazy project we come up with, but we sometimes make them participate because we’re mean, and at the very least they have to put up with it. These projects: the bees, the goats, the garden, whatever we are excited about, they make us happy people. They make us happy parents, and that is a very good thing.
So, girls!!! Find something you love and go for it! If you can find something that your family can be a part of with you, then great. If not, don’t let that stop you. I’m not talking about abandoning your family or your children, just doing something to nurture yourself. It doesn’t have to be huge, though the impact might be. Find something that will bring you joy, something that is reasonable, something that you can actually make work as part of your life. Start small. Don’t compare, don’t feel guilty.
My family likes the outdoors. I like to knit, garden, and take pictures. I love animals, at this moment especially goats (though I am a little worried that everyone is thinking that I am strange so I’m trying to keep it quiet). Jonny likes to build things. He loves to make music, and also to play sports. We are both into this whole homesteading thing, and after more than a decade of trying, we still aren’t any good at it. Seth loves metal detecting. Keats and Gabe love baseball. Keats also loves to play music, while Gabe loves to work with his hands. Larkspur is artsy and is the driving force behind much of the crafting that goes on in this house. I haven’t figured out Beatrix, Silas, and Job yet. But I will. And I hope that I will do a decent job of encouraging them to pursue whatever their passions are.
What about you? What do you like to do? How do you make it happen? How are you going to make it happen?
Because it’s okay. You can be somebody other than Mom, and still be a good one.
(Disclaimer: Obviously, I can’t make any promises about whether or not the pursuit of your passions will reveal your inner weirdness. It’s quite possible that you are weird.)
Every word true!!!
Great post!
I don’t have a family yet (right now my SO is saving up to return to school, then it’ll take a couple of years for him to finish up his degree and for us to get settled), but sometimes I feel weird because all of my passions seem to revolve around creating a warm, loving home and cooking good food. I mean, I also knit and read and am weirdly interested in fermentation, but home and food are the main priorities.
Maybe its a generational thing. I grew up in the late 90’s-early 2000’s and the attitude always seemed to be that girls were supposed to want “more” than what was ideal for previous generations (my parents were baby boomers, and grandparents were members of the “silent generation”). For a long time it was hard to admit to even myself that what I want most of all is a happy home life, because to say so seemed to be “anti feminist”. When I do mention it to people my age, there’s usually an awkward pause and an “Oh.”
I don’t know if this is something other people my age have experienced. It really isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things though. Being “odd” is okay. Ryan and I are just fine with setting aside a great deal of things that “most people” think/do.
Very true insights! Passion is a big reason I started blogging. I love to write and am passionate about family. However, my dream job, that I am probably not qualified for yet, but someday will be just came open: director of the John Neihardt Center in rural Bancroft, NE. It really rekindled my dreams just thinking about applying. We are about to have our first baby and I really want to stay home with her, this is probably the only job that would tempt me to do otherwise.
I am Mom to a 10 month old boy and was 23 when I had him. Running/exercise was a hobby of mine before him and I have continue it after him as well. I am running a half marathon in June! I am slow as can be and huff and puff and shuffle my way through it, but I do it because I love it. I wake up early every morning and get in a workout. Not because I am obsessed with losing weight, being fit, etc. But because I need to do something to make me feel good about myself every day. My husband is supportive of it too, which is wonderful. He never complains when I hand our son over to him after work so I can jet out the door to run. Husbands are amazing, aren’t they?
Anyways, thanks for the reminder that I am not crazy or selfish and that, in fact, I am becoming a better person and a better mother for my boy by having my own interests.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you, Ginny. I think most of us mamas need to read this. And I haven’t a clue how people “pin” things or “post” on Facebook and all that good stuff, but someone ought to go ahead and do that for the sake of the world’s mamas out there who could be encouraged greatly by this post. Many thanks again!
We are going to try chickens … not weird. Weird is my knitting tech editing … hubby relaxes with tv, I relax with spreadsheets, yarn & needles!
Thank you, Ginny ! I needed to read your words! The comments from everyone responding helped me this AM! Thank you!
I love to read your inner thoughts – I so relate. Thank you for your gift of encouragement. I L.O.V.E. to scrapbook and cross stitch, and in doing so, I create memories for my family and loved ones to enjoy for years to come. Blessings to you and yours. Happy Life!
This is so true!! I have been a stay at home mom for over 21 years. I two grown daughters 18 and 21 ….and I have never felt less of a person. My husband doesn’t make a lot of money we have enough and that is all.
I enjoy crocheting and knitting that makes me happy..and yes a nice hot cup of tea! We have a small Etsy shop that we do for fun. My oldest daughter has her own website http://www.americangirlfan.com. She hasn’t not been to college which I know so many people disagree with. She does make a little bit of money from her ad’s and such…and she is very happy : ) Stop by her site and you will see a very happy young lady doing what she loves!!!!!
I hope many people read your post…it makes me said that others get there self worth from jobs, money, and things.
I also became a mom at a young age. My kids are teens and I am still trying to balance mothering, house work, paid work, and my personal dreams. It’s hard work. Thanks for the inspiration.
I can’t even tell you how much I *LOVE* that we wrote about something so similar on the exact same day. I love that we are both weird…. xoxo~
I love you Ginny.
I love your encouraging spirit.
Thank you.
when mine were little and nap time arrived I would run around the house doing the chores as quickly as I could so I could sit and knit. I loved those days of squeezing in my “me time”. “me time” is what my daughter coined it and it’s essential to being happy!!
…being fascinated with goats is only ‘weird’ if you’ve never been around ’em…they are hilarious!!
They are making me so happy. I mean–just to watch the big girls (who had spent their life in a tiny enclosure-much smaller than our chicken coop where they are living temporarily– before we “rescued” them) run though the yard and do those funny little happy sideways jumps in the air–they’re just so great!!
I love my goats! I think maybe even more than people! We have 2 Boer/Nubian does and they are such a joy to be around. We are new to homesteading but we are enjoying the process. Homeschooling 3 boys and finding time for my passions can be challenging. Thankfully they are all crafty/artistic too. I find that if I can be creative in some way everyday then my passions stay alive. And as the saying goes, “when Mama is happy, everyone is happy.” Home isn’t home if everyone isn’t fulfilled. And by the way, I love your kitchen and porch!
love this! Our fourth (and final) baby is almost 9 months old, and after devoting the past few years to babies, home, and homeschooling only, I am finally letting myself take some time to pursue my own interests again.
YES!!!
Joseph Campbell called it ‘following your bliss’. How can we be happy people for others (especially the ones we love) if we are not happy at our core. And another familiar quote…”If moma’s not happy, nobody’s happy.”
🙂
The same goes for working Moms! My husband and I shift schedules so that one of us is always home, but it has been a four-year-struggle to finally get to the point where we will actually have a date! And where each of us has a little time, every once in awhile for ourselves. And time alone together, even more rare! Tonight, in fact, we’ll be playing our first little folk gig since our daughter was born, 4.5 years ago! A baby sitter we all love, a little time with my man, his guitar and songs we love, even in a poorly lit church basement it sounds dreamy!
Thanks for stating it so well!
“Because it’s okay. You can be somebody other than Mom, and still be a good one.”
Best post on the internet, ever.
Thank you for this reminder. I try to tell myself it’s ok to make myself happy, but I end up feeling guilty about it!
You may be surprised as your children grow into adults how much of your passions they pursue. All 4 of my daughters who mostly resisted my creative desires are now sewing, knitting, and decorating on their own:)))
It seems to me that the stay at home moms that don’t pursue any sort of hobby or passion eventually get depressed and start “running away” from motherhood. They start going out away from their home and kids as much as possible because they need a break from it, but these breaks only cause them to want more breaks instead of energizing them. I have seen this happen many times in our homeschool group. I even began to fall into it myself at one point. I felt that it was selfish to pursue anything…but I now realize that it is actually the best thing I could do for my family. Motherhood is super fulfilling and super exhausting, I need something that gets me excited or reminds me that I have talent beyond laundry, scrubbing floors, and dirty dishes. My children have since learned that their mommy is much happier when she has time to pursue her interests and they encourage me to do it. And I have learned that by doing this I am being a good example for them…teaching them to not only work hard and fulfill my role as a mother, but also to not lose site of the gifts God gave me.
Thank you for writing this. I know in my heart that having a passion is so important to humans–especially mothers perhaps, but sometimes it is good to hear someone else reminding me of that. It is so easy to completely submerge oneself in caring for a family, but we all need to come up for air sometimes.
Here here! Where I live, I am one of very few stay-at-home moms that I know. I have my days, but I’ve been able to find enough to keep me stimulated (so far, at least!) with cooking, knitting, crafting, etc., in addition to parenting and the running of the home. I’ve found I actually am a natural born Homemaker, who happens to have a master’s degree, but I am constantly asked “what else” I do, or when I am going back to work. I’ve even been told, flat out, that I was letting my education go to waste. I’ve come to realize, that as women, we are judged more harshly then men for our choices. Sadly, even when we are fulfilled and certain we are on the right path for ourselves at this present time, someone can come along and suggest that you are “weird.” Don’t fall for it, ladies! I don’t think anyone looks at my husband and judges him for having a VERY full time job. He’s seen as an awesome provider. If he were a stay-at-home dad, he would be seen as this adorable hero. (I swear SAD’s are on par with puppies sometimes!) So to all those ladies who feel “weird” for having outside interests/jobs…just know that there are places where being a stay at home mom (my first “mommy and me” group was attended by myself and 9 nannies!) is kinda wackadoo. So you gotta just find what floats your boat!
So good and kind of you to take time out of your day to write to us all and encourage us. We all need pep talks, even if we don’t know it.
So in love with this post because this is something I have struggled with for a long time. My problem, however, seems to be a lack of motivation when finding what I want to do. I know what I used to do, and I enjoyed it, but it doesn’t hold any interest for me any longer. I think my problem is me. I have become lazy and it is easy for me to say I don’t have time (almost nine kids, and I really don’t have a lot of time), it’s easy for me to fall back on the fact that I am too tired to do anything but find an interest in a nap. I think if I found something that I was excited about, I would have plenty of energy to do that thing. I have just erected my drafting table from the garage. My hope is to find my paint brushes and water colors, and dive back into drawing and painting the one thing I can paint…rabbits. Here’s hoping that I find a way to find my spark again. Maybe depression has found a tiny hold on me and has twisted itself into a habit for me. Alas, God, help me find myself again please. Where did I go?
Thank you, thank you, thank you Ginny. So well said and freeing. Yes, there is a season and time for everything but it is ok to still find joy in the little things by using the gifts that God has blessed us with. I have suppressed this area for so long and I seem to see it popping up everywhere of us mamas setting time aside to fill that creative outlet. It does make us better wives and moms. So many time I try to fill everyone else’s needs, neglect my own because for some reason I think I am being selfish, and I end up on empty- a terrible lie that hurts all of us. God is so gracious and boundaries with love and wisdom are a blessing. Thank you again!
We’re in one of those basic survival periods where pursuing passions is not an option. Sounds like something to look forward to though.
Anne, I don’t know your situation, but want to say that I understand being in survival mode from a parenting standpoint. The year that Beatrix was born and we adopted, we couldn’t even leave the house. The main passion that Jonny and I pursued that year was brownies. I did try to knit a little every night though and managed to squeeze in other handwork when maybe I should have been sleeping–but that is exactly how I survived that time. Obviously, it was the Grace of God that pulled me through, but that grace came in many ways. Pursuing a passion doesn’t have to mean lots of time, money, or energy. It can be something small, but worthwhile, and it might help you survive. I also like having something to look forward to though, and sometimes that is all there is room for. Hope is a very good thing to have.
It’s all about balance and I totally see how crafting and outdoor things can give energy and GIVE to your family! 🙂 I don’t have kids but do Sunday School and church bookstore (with fun kids books) and I see how even for me crafting helps me with keeping house and such for me and my husband. And about weird – I KNOW I am one and Love it :))))
Oh sweet Ginny. Once again you’ve hit home for me. And I am so grateful for this post I can’t really right anything, but simply…..Thank you. “….I became Mommy before I became me.” Thank you thank you for saying that. I have in honestly felt a little guilty about that. I will say that you and Amanda (Soulemama) and Mel (Ourashgrove) played a huge role in the kind of mother and person I am today. The details are way too long to explain. Trust me.
Thank you so much for sharing parts of your life Ginny. It means SO much.
Ginny, I am totally enjoying your goat adventure. Four years ago we dreamed of having acreage, chickens, a pig, and a Jersey cow. That’s not where we ended up and I’m ok with that, so I’m enjoying things vicariously through your blog. 🙂
I love knitting–you helped inspire me to relearn.–sewing, and creative writing. Honestly, though, it’s been a long time since I’ve done all three in a year. Knitting is my mainstay lately. 🙂
I love how you & Jonny share pursuits. My husband and I share a lot as well, although he doesn’t knit, and I don’t go Rock climbing. 😉 but we bounce our crazy ideas off each other enjoy just our crazy chaotic life. It’s a good thing.
Sorry for the long comment… 😉
I love this post. For many years I felt like, if I loved anything other than mothering then I was being a bad mother. 2 decades in to mothering and I know different… thank goodness.
I like that you and your hubby have shared passions, but then also seperate passions. Thank you for the reminder.
Oh so true! Sane and fulfilled makes for better parenting. For me, that’s been a decision to work f/t outside the home, in academics, and protecting evenings and weekends as family connection time. It’s a struggle and a juggle–and I’m actually not sure I want to continue f/t work–but it was the right call for us at the time. I’ve so long said that women need to feel empowered to make the decision that’s right for *each of them* around motherhood, self-interests, and/or work. And we need to support and celebrate each other in those varied decisions, rather than try to force either ourselves or others into a particular mold.
So, from my perspective, feel free to talk even more about the goats!
Oh, and I forgot to add: we long ago taught our children to say “thank you” if someone calls them weird…
Great idea, Erin! All of us are weird in our own ways, after all – things would be awfully boring if we weren’t, right? 🙂
This is doulaing for me. I had a mini-midlife crisis when I was turning 30 and becoming a certified doula was the passion outlet for me that helped me so much with that. And it’s been a good thing for me and my family. I’m taking a break now as I’m due in a couple months with our next one and I have no idea if and when I’ll be able to start again but even so, I felt like it was what God wanted me to do with part of my passion.
But I do have a thing for goats, too, and we’re starting our beekeeping journey in a few months so at least *I* don’t think you’re weird 😉
I think it took me about 6 years (when the twins were born) as a mom to finally say I needed me time or to pursue interests other than those directly to mothering. But there are so many fascinating things in this world! Music, making things, the outdoors, photography, writing…etc, etc. I dream about homesteading, though it isn’t an option at the moment. I find it difficult to find the balance between pursuing my passions and tending my family. I started a blog, which I enjoy, but I find myself spending too much time staring at a screen, usually not productively, and it isn’t the example I want to give my kids.
The goats are great, write about them as much as you like!
I love this! I am writing in my spare moments these days. Passions have to be found, for sure or you start going a little do-lolly what with all the helping the brood follow their passions and janitorial work! I find following mine is a great way mirror for my children. Love this post!
I enjoy cooking, canning, knitting, gardening (sometimes), art museums, reading, and more than anything, travel. Most of the time, those things do involve my kids or are somehow wrapped up in my parenting. Like you, after having my first child at 23, it took me several years to even figure out what my interests were. Pottery was my first hook. I started pottery classes when my oldest was 3, and I continued for 4 years until life got too busy to keep up with the classes. By then I had a myriad of other interests. I’ve discovered recently, now all of my kids are fairly proficient readers, that I can read books for myself whilst in the company of ALL the children who are similarly reading their own books. That used to be an impossibility unless the youngest was in bed because if he saw me reading, he thought I should be reading to him!
Ginny, you are so cool. Really, you are! Yours is one of the only blogs that I read (as a childless 20-something) who has ever said this. I’m always a little weirded out by bloggers whose “About” section only states that they’re the mom of so-and-so and the wife of so-and-so. That is wonderful, but who are YOU as an individual? What do you enjoy? What excites you or makes you happy?
I’m currently in grad school and working, and loving it, but I’d also like to have kids at some point…and I don’t think they have to be mutually exclusive. I know you were mostly talking about exploring one’s own interests, and not necessarily working…but for me, they’re related. Thank you for reminding me :).
I don’t have kids of my own yet, but it’s always been important to me to hold on to my passions after starting a family. When I was growing up, everyone in my family had various interests or skills that we loved to develop because we enjoyed them. My mom loves crafts, my dad loves the outdoors, my younger brother loves writing music, etc. I loved writing and reading…now I love cooking too! Even when I was a kid, I appreciated the effect that these passions had on us as individuals and as a family. I hope I can cultivate that culture with my own kids some day! 🙂
I like how I see a lot more young moms unabashed about primarily being moms, recognizing it for the ginormous task that it is, and incorporating their passions. I think more young people are okay with not trying to be super moms, juggling full time everything! There a lot of moms who think being a mom isn’t enough, so they create an identity separate, but something has to give! Not that they should feel bad or guilty, but thank God for teachers, parents and others that being a mom (or dad if it’s a young man) is a worthy calling. I was blessed with an art instructor in college who invited a successful illustrator into class to explain how she juggled parenthood and her career.
I also meant to add that my children find my mother-in-law, who had no real interests other than pleasing them, much less interesting than my father-in-law, who loves the guitar, pottering in his shed and golf – they are clearly drawn to the fact he has things to pass onto them and that he does things other than pander to their every desire. An interested person is clearly a much more interesting person!
And most of all, you set your children the example of following their passions and interests. I’ve read that the best way to encourage children to read is for them to see you reading – this principle surely applies to them seeing you follow your interests consistently and passionately. It gives them freedom to find out what they are good at and love, and delve deeply into that. It gives the grown-ups something that is outwith childrearing, amazing though that is. I only have two children, and that’s all there will be, but the little one is two – I can see a future where I get to gradually do more and more of the knitting and gardening I love, hopefully with them alongside me for lots of it.
Thank you for this post Ginny! Well said and so inspiring. 🙂 And I personally would love to hear more about the goats…
Yes, I feel very passionately about this, like you it took me a journey to realise. As women (men too) it’s important we nurture creativity in our lives. This will look different for different folks, for some it may be handcrafts, baking, gardening, for me it’s currently photography and words (yes blogging is my creativity). Whatever is our thing we need it, I believe the lack of creativity leads to burnout, creativity fills the tank.
Thank you for writing this article. It is just what I needed to hear. I am a first time mom to a 20 month old boy and am just now realizing this. I feel like I’ve lost a bit of my sense of self. And I know a lot of it has to do with losing any sense of focus or time to do something that I enjoy but that doesn’t necessarily have to do with my family. Being a mom is a wonderful calling but I have to be a person too – it made me feel guilty to think “I don’t want to JUST be a mom” but I guess it isn’t an uncommon thing to think or feel 🙂
P.s. I don’t know if you made recent changes to your site, but it is now much more mobile friendly for me. So thanks! Love being able to read more easily while nursing the little.
Ashley, I think it’s okay to “just” be a mom, if that is all you need or how you feel. But it isn’t uncommon at all to have interests outside the home, and we shouldn’t feel guilty because of that! Just spending a little time doing something that feeds the “me” part of myself, makes all the difference! And yes, I did make a change! Thanks for the feedback about the mobile friendliness! I don’t read on mobile devices myself, and wasn’t sure if I did the right thing!
Yes! Well said! I’ve had many people from my pre-mommy years ask, “Weren’t you once working at (fill in the blank)” or “Didn’t you have plans to (fill in the blank)?” Well, yes, I did, but everything changed when I had children. More specifically, I changed when I had children. And that doesn’t mean that I gave up on my dreams or my passions. It just means that my interests changed and evolved. And I am pursuing my new dreams and passions just as much as I did my old ones.
And also, I fully embrace my weirdness.
Wonderful post, Ginny! My husband and I became parents when I was 17 and he was 18. Fast forward to 43. Our daughters are now 24 and 26, and busy with college. I have had to really battle this whole empty nest and mid life crisis thing for a bit now, and throw my cancer journey into the mix, and lets just say the last few years have been realllll tough. I am just now coming out of the fog, healing, and pursuing activities that bring me fun, such as knitting and blogging. Thank you for sharing your blog. I truly enjoy all of your posts and photos, and I even the Yarn Along last week, and then forgot to post yesterday, sigh… I just have to find a good book to read.
Totally agree Ginny. I became a mother at 21 and although i felt ‘grown-up’ i was still very much an adolecent. Now at 37 and with more children i feel finally able to be ME. Thank you for this post.
Vicky,
I totally understand what you are saying. I don’t think that I truly found me until I got into my later 30s.
Well said Ginny, and might I add something? One day those babies, the ones that won’t let you sleep, or go to the bathroom alone are going to grow up and then you will be left wondering what to do with all the time you have on your hands, and believe me, it happens fast! I have always had ideas I want to pursue and when my babies where younger I had them right beside me or else I did my thing while they slept. As they grew I had larger blocks of time to myself and now I have days and days to fill with my ideas….my life, and I’m not wasting any of it.
It’s so nice to be reminded of this. My husband was looking at joining a bike advocacy group but was not sure if he could swing it with his limited time available. It’s hard to remember that the years of them needing us quite so much won’t last forever, and other things will still be around in a few years (like bike advocacy groups or yoga classes) and we can devote more time to them then 🙂