Lately, Silas’ hair seems to keep coming up. Friends, acquaintances, and even anonymous strangers have been suggesting that we cut it. I am not easily offended and I really don’t mind when the comments are made by people who love us. In fact, we actually nearly did buzz it all off last weekend after Silas cut it himself with scissors, close to the scalp and right up front. But then, we just couldn’t. It’s not just me, Jonny doesn’t want to cut it either. I tried to explain to a friend that I look at those curls, the ones my boys seem to have as toddlers and by some cruel twist of genetics my girls never do, and the thought of cutting them, it makes me cry. I won’t pretend that’s rational. I know it’s just hair. But I can try to explain.
Only recently I transitioned from being a mom to young children, to being a mom to teenagers as well. Late last summer I had a devastating experience with one of my older kids that left me heartbroken. In the midst of it, I spent an entire night sobbing, unable to see how I’d face the road ahead. But by the Grace of God I crawled out of bed puffy and red faced the next morning and I did. Hard talks were had and we made it through, but the experience left a lasting mark. It might sound dramatic, but I knew that for me, being a mom would never be the same again. I think that must happen to most moms at some point. There comes a day when you realize that parenthood is going to break your heart, again and again.
A couple months later, Job was born. He was over ten pounds and had severe shoulder dystocia. In other words, he got stuck. His birth was terrifying. Nearly five months later and I am still not the same physically or mentally. I look at Job’s face and his perfect sweetness, perfect innocence, and I cry sometimes. I cry because of what he and I went through, but I also cry because I know he might break my heart one day. I know what that feels like now. I marvel over each little physical milestone he reaches, while mourning the phase he leaves behind. I get all mixed up, the trauma of late last summer and then Job’s arrival muddling my brain and dominating my emotions.
As we’ve entered this new phase with our older children, this parenting thing, it’s turned out to be so much harder than I ever imagined. And once you realize that, there’s not much you can do but keep moving forward, and keep loving your kids, knowing that there is pain ahead. Even in the best case scenario, we are loving them so that one day they will leave us.
So maybe you’ll understand when I tell you, I’m not ready to cut Silas’ curls off. And maybe you won’t. Tell me he looks like a girl, and I’ll just have to shrug my shoulders. I have to be honest, I’m not worried about that. Call me selfish and I’ll tell you the only haircut he’s interested in right now is a self inflicted one. Call me sentimental and silly and I’ll smile and agree, but I can’t part with those curls. Because cutting them off will be like taking one step closer to the inevitable. I know he’s going to grow up, but right now he’s still a little boy not even three years old. I’m not ready for that first haircut. Soon, I think, but not yet. For right now, I’m keeping his curls.
Thank you for that post. I have 6 kids ranging in ages from 9 to 27. I understand every word you are
saying. My sons also had curly hair and I disliked having to cut off their curls! I also believe parenting can be painful. I just love all my kids and know that I have raised them to be Godly people!
As a mom of a 17, 13, 9 and 7 year old. I get every word you’re saying.
Oh my gosh. This has been very therapeutic for me:) Not that I thought I was the only mama with a little girl with no hair and boys with lovely locks, but to read everyone’s stories and thoughts…so great. I have three boys with hair that many women would pay a lot of money to have. I have a little girl with hair the color of fresh butter – but it just doesn’t grow much – loose anagen syndrome, apparently. She likes to wear dresses. And we have been asked why only one of our girls gets to wear a dress – why do we dress the others in such plain clothes? Well…hmhmm..because they are boys and do not want to wear dresses! My goodness. Why is it anyone’s business? I have had our boys’ hair cut a few times, but even the smallest trim seems to set that hair out of place…so it is growing now. No more hair cuts!!And we are always asked by women with European accents where we get our boys’ hair cut:) But the regulars around here always think we have a family of 4 girls. I love those curls!! Don’t cut them!! Lovely reading everyone’s stories.
I don’t think long hair is for girls only. I don’t think that you ever have to cut Silas’ (is that where the mark goes when a name ends in s?!) hair, if he never wants to. But that’s just me.
ginny, when we adopted our daughter at birth she had virtually no hair. the next few years i had a hobby-like dedication to getting her some hair, and it worked! she finally got a nice crop of short blond hair which was kept short to encourage more growth (or so i was told). then my son was born, and when i met him the first thing i noticed was his thick hair, even as a tiny infant. ny the time he was a toddler he has the most luscious dark urls i had ever seen. just gorgeous. unfortunately, everyone thought my daughter was a boy and my son was a girl. i could not have cared less, but my toddler daughter began to get sad over what 9yes, rude…instrusive…idiotic) people were saying. so i took him for a haircut. i have a photo of me standing, holding my little boy, while the curls hit the floor. i have my hand over my mouth and my eyes are full of tears…. so yes, many of us understand. it is not just hair. it is BIG. and it strikes a chord in a mother’s heart that is impossible to explain to those have not experienced it, as well as difficult to understand ourselves. it just IS. so enjoy his curls. i thought they were lovely. he is an adorable little boy.
I have seven children – the oldest is in his mid-20’s and the youngest is 7. We’re in the middle of the college thing, the job thing, possible marriage thing, all those becoming-an-adult things with our older children. I’m looking forward to grandchildren eventually. But then I had a moment recently which really hit me hard and made me sad. I was 43 when I had my youngest and chances are I won’t experience the bulk of his adult life as I will with the older ones (God willing). It makes my life now with him all the more precious.
BTW, my oldest son is growing his hair out so he can pull in back in a ponytail and my family is freaking out. My husband and I do not care at all. It happens that our son looks better in longer hair and he is one of those absent-minded genius types that forgets to cut his hair regularly anyway. My family also freaked out when my husband grew a beard 20+ years ago, but he’s gotten along fine in life with it. (As you can tell, I have a family with narrow boundaries on what’s considered “respectable.”)
Oh I think I understand and I love Silas’s curls and beautiful hair too. When the time does come for that haircut, I hope you save those beautiful locks with a little ribbon somewhere, with his baby teeth. I did and I’m glad I did save a lock of both of our children’s hair. I think I understand about the breaking your heart too. I’m sure that you will find your way and that you will discover that God will indeed heal your heart as well and that you will be grateful for the experience when you look back on it all with older eyes. You are so brave to share yourself this way and I believe that helps others too.
I needed this today. Thank you for your transparency. Blessings to you!
My babies have never had curls so I say keep them as long as you can 🙂 Thank you for sharing your heart here. I cringe at the thought of those heartbreaks ahead but God is so much bigger than all of it. They belong to Him first.
((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))) It never gets easier but it’s always worth it. I was 47 years old when I had my last by emergency Csection, ten years ago. I also had a 10 1/2 pounder who Thank God did not get stuck- but needed hours of pushing.
You see I have 21 children ages 6-38. 4 are by birth,(ages 10,33,35 and would be 38) and 17 are adopted.
Each one has or will break my heart in some way …………………..and I must learn to re-love them. (Just as we break God’s heart with our sinfulness)
One by birth, now 35 has betrayed me so deeply it hurts to love her, but I do. Three of my precious girls are in Heaven, so every single moment of each day is painful, loving and missing them. One died (adopted) at 5 months in 1989, one died in 2010 (adopted) at age 27 from a neurological disease, and my first born birth child- a daughter, died in a car accident at age 28, six months after my “surprise” last birth baby was born.
Why would God give me a gift of my Isaiah only to take my first born away? The wound festers. She was 28, would be 38 now. She held her baby brother in her arms as she was pregnant with her 3rd. Her 3rd daughter died win the womb with her. Her older daughters lived.
Why am I telling you all of this? I just wanted you to know, and to understand, you will suffer painfully as a mother, hopefully less than I, but regardless of the suffering, you will get up again and LOVE with every ounce of your being because God made Mothers for that purpose! Just a teensy bit of wisdom from an old mom :o)
((((((((((HUGS))))))))) You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Dear Ginny, I love his beautiful curls! My husband and I just spoke last night about our son’s curls. He is only 18 months, but our parents have begun asking about them, and when we will cut them. He is our youngest. Our next oldest is now 7, and we lost 2 babies in between, one at 21 weeks. I just can’t get enough of this little guy. I am so thankful for him, and want to soak in every minute. My heart is breaking a bit because a recent trip to the dentist revealed that he has the beginnings of dental decay on quite a few teeth. One of my older sons also had this from nighttime nursing — they are my only two who have nursed a lot at night. My older son had to have four of his top teeth pulled at 18 months! And at age 10, he just had oral surgery to help two of those four (now adult teeth) come in! So I am wondering if I need to wean my youngest from these nighttime feedings — for his sake and ours — because that many fillings could be so expensive!! He sleeps cuddled right next to me, and he is so sweet, and I can’t even imagine beginning that process for a reason like this! But he needs his teeth! I guess sometimes these choices are made for us, and sometimes (like with the curls — unless he cuts them:-) we can wait and enjoy that precious bit of childhood a little longer. (My oldest just turned 13, so I am understanding a bit of how quickly it goes, and how things change, too.) Thank you for your beautiful blog. I am sorry I went on so much! This is just weighing on my heart!
Hugs to you, and tell them Jesus had long hair too.
I am having a rough day with my 4-year-old, and this post is so encouraging to me, though my day has little to do with curls or teenagers. Thank you.
What a lovely touching post! I am due with my second baby (a boy!) and frankly I’m terrified. I can’t explain it, but I feel totally inept to raise a boy. Maybe because I’m more of a “girly girl” myself I’m scared that I will be unable to relate to boy things?
I feel for you, as I’m so scared of those heartbreaking moments. Mostly because I remember being a teenager myself and dare I say, I was a nightmare. I’d like to think I turned out well, but my poor parents!
They will keep breaking your heart Ginny, but it is all worth it…. from our oldest going off to college to the next oldest getting married at 18 (in 2 1/2 months!) – I cry, I rejoice, but most of all I pray – pray for them to find their way. Thank goodness that life is a journey.
Thinking of you!
I completely understand. I waited until this year, when my daughter turned five, to give her that first hair cut, because I knew that those baby curls would be gone forever with that first cut. Even when we did finally cut her hair, I was so sad (it didn’t help that the cut ended up being shorter than I wanted). This job of motherhood is such an amazing, wonderful, humbling journey, and with the boundless joy comes, sometimes, a pain that can break your heart. They are always leaving us, aren’t they? That’s why I have never, for one minute, felt wrong or guilty for making any parenting choices that have allowed me to hold my daughter close while she is young, to soak up these days while I can. Other people will always have something to say about it, but the only people that really matter when it comes to these decisions are you and your child. I’m glad that you’re keeping his curls for as long as you can. That first hair cut will come along soon enough!
I’m dealing with that a bit with Ingrid. Of course not hair, because she has none. Nursing has recently become really painful, though I’m not sure why. She’s 15 months now, and I weaned my others between 10-18 months. I’m debating about just being done, but she very well may be my last. I just can’t bring myself to wean her yet even though it’s hurting a lot right now. My oldest is hitting adolescence, and I’m so overwhelmed by that. So I’ll snuggle my baby as often as I can right now.
Beautiful post. Right now my 8 month old (wow 8 months today – can’t believe it!) and first little boy is starting to sit up by himself. He was a preemie – born at 32 weeks unexpectedly and spent a month in the NICU. I still feel like I have a little bit of PTSD from the experience. I look at him, sitting on his own and playing, and realize that there will be a day when he won’t need me, or not like the does now. When he might move far away or when he might not call and I will miss him so much. I’m happy that he is growing up because I love seeing how excited he is to be able to do more and more. But I don’t want him to grow up because part of that will involve admitting that he will some day leave me. So … keep the curls. They are beautiful.
Oh, Ginny…every single word here echoes the sentiments of my heart!!!! I, too, have a three year old boy with curls so much like Seth’s that the photo of the back of his head could be my boy! And I am reluctant to trim them off because when I did that to my oldest son at the same age, they never grew back the same and it made me sad. Where we live, no one ever comments on his hair…there are a lot of long-haired boys (and men) around here, but I do have to work hard to prevent dreadlocks. And yes, our hearts get broken again and again…and then they expand so full of love I am shocked at how much my heart can contain! Lots of love to you, Ginny, you keep this space so real!
xo Jules
Hi Ginny,
Good for you!! Keep those curls. Parenting is amazing , wonderful, hard and yes, heart breaking at times.
My youngest of 8 is 16 now, and I babied her. I think I nursed her until she was 3 1/2, and I homeschooled
my youngest four through middle school. Family and friends thought I was nuts. But the first four grew up
so fast and was such a blur, that I had to savor the younger four. It felt right to me. My youngest is so independent, driving and social and so very busy, but she loves me dearly and is letting me be a part of her
final years of home life until she heads off to college. My husband and I have hosted more pasta feeds, done
more carpooling and sleepovers than ever before, but we know the end is in sight and we know we will miss it all! Now the grand kids are coming , what a blessing. Sorry this is so long, what I meant to say is that I understand and support you! You are a wonderful mother and I enjoy reading your blog!!
Kudos to you for not losing your cool when someone tells you he looks like a girl. I’m so tacky that I would probably say, “Well, looks can be deceiving. For example, you appear to be a complete imbecile who pokes his/her nose into other peoples’ business, but I’m sure that can’t actually be the case.” And then I would stare at them silently with the most beautiful smile I could muster until the person came up with a reply. But, I’m sort of a jerk that way. Lol.
Absolutely keep them!! Who cares what other people think! You are doing a great job raising your children and a great job of inspiring people around the world.
I say, “Good for you.” I went through the same emotions with my firstborn son’s golden ringlets. I couldn’t cut them. They ended up going well past his shoulders before my husband insisted that it was time for the first haircut. I have those ringlets saved with my firstborn’s baby things. You’ll know when the time is right, and until then, enjoy those curls! *hugs* 🙂
What a beautiful, frank post. Sometimes it’s all just hard. Be patient with yourself as you process the scary moments you had with Job along with this new stage of mothering. Our hearts just don’t always move along in a clear, linear way! Sometimes it’s circles, figure eights, zigzags….
I have the experience that Americans seem to value short hair on boys/men much more than Europeans. When I was in the US, I saw so many boys/men with very short hair, as in, soldier short. It seems that the public opinion is, that with longer hair you’re like a hippie or a gypsy or something? Whereas longer hair here is seen as fashionable and stylish. My husband tried to cut my boys hair when he was 2 and a bit because his hair was hanging in his eyes, but he absolutely ruined it. We had to go to a salon, and because his hair is very straight and he is my first, I didn’t mourn over it. I was excited by his cute big boy look. This post makes me very scared of the teenager years though, because I can’t imagine that my sweet, innocent little boy will break my heart some day.
Funny hat people say he looks like a girl, because even though I’ve noticed his hair longer on the photos you post his hair reminds me of a little renaissence child, maybe marvelling at the beauty of the brand new cathedral of Santa Maria Maggiore in Florence.
Crazy that people tell you to cut his hair! I live in NY and a lot of young boys have long hair, it’s a non issue.. My sister has a 2 year old son, there’s a Jewish custom where we don’t cut boys’ hair until they turn 3, so she has to put barrettes in his hair to keep it off his face, people sometimes mistake him for a girl.. But it doesn’t matter! Keep Silas’ curls as long as you want 😉
I completely agree, there is no rush to cut off those curls. I’ve been cutting my little guys hair, but leaving the curls. He just got his first short haircut, and I admit to having a hard time with how much it changes his look. He still, thankfully, has some curl that shows. He just turned 3 in December, btw.
My two kids were born twelve years apart, almost to the day. This was God’s idea, not mine. But having so many years in between made it easier to realize I have walked this path before and knew God always had grace available. Even if my first was a girl and the second a very ADHD boy!
A couple days ago my daughter and I were talking about her oldest, who is now twelve. And how her friends for the most part are dreading the teen years. She said she remembered what I told her about her brother’s teen years and hers and how much I enjoyed them.
Not that they were easy but for some reason I could remember my own teen years and how difficult the transition from being a child to an adult really was. Even in the midst of the stomping of feet and wanting their own way, I knew God would teach me how to deal with them. For the teen years are simply a very long birthing from childhood to adulthood and the parents are the midwives.
I am certain you will do just fine!
Amen!
leave those beautiful curls for as long as you want. my oldest baby boy had the most precious fairytale ringlets and people were constantly thinking he was a girl. i would just smile and say, “actually he’s a boy, but he is pretty enough to be a gir!” i did eventually give him a haircut once i felt like i could go through with it without sobbing and blubbering like a crazy woman. i saved every last silky snip from that haircut and keep them in an envelope in his baby book. there is way too much pressure on little ones to be anything other than little. they are babies for a heartbeat and they have the rest of their lives is for things like regular haircuts. this time should be all about mamamilk, caterpillars, squashy mud, dandilions and footie pajamas.
I just don’t get people. My elder 13 year-old daughter looks like a boy (I did too at that age). I’m sure people think I was nuts to let her get a pixie (they thought I was when she was a 9 year-old girl with dreads).
Your reasons for keeping the curls are so very touching.
I spent the first 18 days of 2014 crying my eyes out over my elder daughter. Oy, I do wish I could re-trace my steps and make it all perfect for her! But, you see how silly that sounds, don’t you? But I would, in a heartbeat.
You echo my own thoughts perfectly with this post. They are little for so long, and those curls are a visual reminder of that youngness, take all the time in the world to enjoy them. You’ll know then the time has come to cut them. I hope that time is a long way off.
This may sound a bit dramatic, but any time I start to get annoyed at my two year old and her meltdowns or wish my daughter would stop getting older, I realize what a truly terrifying thing that would actually be, if she stopped growing and becoming her own person. My friend had a baby and at some point during the early months, her brain stopped developing. She never learned to walk or talk and died around two, a few months after my friend and her husband had split up over the strain.
So when I’m dealing with a melt down or putting clothes that are too small away, I remember my friend who would’ve given anything to have these moments, the good and the bad.
So you keep those curls for as long as you need to. And you hug your teenager and remember you are doing a wonderful job. I know that bc you care enough to cry over it. Love to you and yours.
You are a beautiful Mama! Such an inspiration to a new Mom like me. Keep loving your babes, your love for them touches others too.
♥
Yes, I can see this. It takes time to recover from such trauma and I can only imagine how scary the birth would of been and knowing how it was to be a teen and how it was for others, I can imagine those very difficult nights. It can be really hard. A few years ago when I was in a difficult situation I asked my Mom what she does when things are really hard and she said, “when I can’t handle it any more, I give it to God and say ‘Here, I can’t handle it, You can, it’s Your’s… ” and she gives it over. Sometimes that does seem to be all we can do. I am going to light a candle for you all. There is hope in the light of Christ but sometimes our valleys can be long and dark; but yet one candle can be seen for a very long distance. May the Lord have mercy on us all.
I get it Ginny just as I think any mama does. Today my fourth baby turns 21 and we have had some moments. Being a mama has given me the most joy and the deepest heartaches that I could never imagined would happen. You let that hair grow as long as you want!
PS- All of my boys have beautiful curls, the perfect ringlets, and super long eyelashes too. My daughter Erin has straight hair and tee tiny eyelashes! Go figure.
I teach middle school, and can sympathize with your heartbreak over teenagers. At that age many of them stumble through life, and sometimes they break your heart and disappoint you along the way. I try to remind myself that they are learning and growing so much during that time of their life, while their brains are going through major changes. It’s a hard balance.
Since I teach 6th through 8th grade at a small school, I get to see them grow up and transition through these life stages. I’m trying to hold on to my mental image of my 6th graders right now, because in two short years they’ll be 8th graders almost ready to go to high school, and they will have changed so much.
Hang in there Ginny, and keep those curls as long as you (and Silas) like. I think they’re adorable.
~ delurking for the first time~
Very thoughtful post. Touched me, as a mom of just 2 boys 10 and 15, I feel pangs on both sides, miss the days when I could have stood up for myself and my boys and allowed them to just be with the non important things in life, like a haircut, thus really enjoying that special stage they all grow out of way to soon. As a mom of a teenage boy the last couple of years have been a steep learning curve, mostly of me learning that he is his own person with his own ideas, strengths and weaknesses. Through many nights of tears ( as you described) I have learned that I had to change my behavior and parent him more as he needed than I wanted, a very difficult lesson for me. That is really why I am writing this, your post has somehow reminded me that I’ve slipped back into old habits with him and need to revisit some of the lessons I’ve learned.
It’s funny that my daughter had curls as a baby but my son did not. When I trimmed Julia’s hair I was alarmed that the curls have gotten smaller; I imagine at some point they will disappear entirely. Asher had a haircut at the beginning of last summer but since then he won’t let me touch it. (Four-year-olds can be pretty stubborn when they know what they want, as you know…) I would rather not cut his hair; my husband is…okay…with it; everyone else keeps telling me to cut his hair. Whatever.
But it really is a deeper thing than just hair, isn’t it? I’m always glad to see my children growing and learning, but lately I’ve been mourning, just a little, the passing of these sweet little innocent stages. Julia just stopped saying “lellow” instead of “yellow” and she is *so* excited to be able to talk like a big girl but I am a little teary about it. (Asher still says “lellow”; I may have a little breakdown when he finally starts pronouncing it right…) I haven’t yet had that experience of heartbreak, but I am nearing the end of my time as a mama of very small ones (barring some miracle of nature) and I am finding it harder than I imagined to let go of these innocent stages. xo
♥
Oh keep them, keep them! I get it. I’m sobbing over here, and my kids are three and under. There will be no haircuts here for a looooong time, if I can help it.
Ginny, I love your words and your frankness and your graceful strength, and I LOVE Silas’ curls.
I get it and I am ready to do the same if my baby has hair like that! My oldest, now 12, had beautiful golden curls and for some reason when he turned one I cut his hair short. Like I thought that’s just what you’re supposed to do and so I did it. I think back to those sweet baby curls and I could just cry at how I sped along the process of taking him from baby to big boy by that haircut.
For some reason, this post made me cry this morning. I don’t even have teenagers yet, but I remember what my siblings and I put my parents through, and this really resonated with me: “Even in the best case scenario, we are loving them so that one day they will leave us.”
Thank you.
Oh! You are speaking my heart right now…my 13 year old boy and I have hit a spot in our relationship that is making me take a step back and just BREATHE (and pray). Thank you for your honesty, sometimes I feel like I’m the only one dealing with the pain of figuring out this whole motherhood “business”.
It’s all so true and right you are to keep those curls on his head! Enjoy for a little more
I understand. My daughter gave herself bangs recently, requiring her first salon haircut to even things out. And all of a sudden my five-year-old looks more like a big girl and less like my first baby, and I get a pang every time I look at her hair. Hold on to your baby’s curls as long as you need to, mama. 🙂
I think you are the cat’s pajamas, ginny, in every possible way.