Life is beautiful, painful, and awfully complicated sometimes. I am climbing my way out of the pit (or more accurately being lifted from it, cause it’s not my own strength I’m relying on) after one of the most horribly difficult weeks of parenting I have ever faced, and I am not talking about the kind of hard week that involves vomit and mounds of dirty laundry. There was a night this week that I spent far more hours crying than I did sleeping. I woke Jonny at 3 a.m. because I felt like I would die lying there in our bed from the sheer pain. In fact, I didn’t want to face my life at all. I didn’t think I could. I did not post anything on my blog the following day. I just couldn’t. However, had I wanted to post a whole slew of unrelated pretty photographs of whatever happened to make me smile, I would have. I wouldn’t have felt like I wasn’t “being real.” I wouldn’t have felt like it was false of me to post pretty, when life was feeling pretty filthy.
And I guess I just need you to know that. I post beauty, even when life is ugly. For me, it’s the only way.
I told Jonny that I feel like we so often get thrown in the deep end, with no opportunity to test the water first. That’s what this week was like. But then, as I cautiously began talking with friends, I realized, that of course it’s not just us. We’re all thrown in the deep end at one time or another, and it’s sink or swim, sink or swim. And if you are counting on perfection in the world of parenting, you’re going to sink.
Blogs have a way of deceiving, but that’s only if you choose to read them that way. It’s a choice. You can read that I stopped for cherries, and make all sorts of assumptions, or you can simply be reminded that we all have our good moments–you and me. I’m not the best homeschooler, I lost my hand at structure three kids ago, and at some point I swapped obsessive housecleaning for obsessive knitting. So there. I’m a good mom because I love my kids, but not because I’m getting that much right. You can pour yourself into a child, the best you can, and still wake up one day and realize that you missed, and the consequences are great.
I choose not to share the trials we face as parents here. As our boys have gotten older, it has become far more obvious why it’s necessary that I don’t. No matter the temptation to pour my heart out, this is the internet, and my heart is not the only one on the line.
Day trips to the shore or the meadow, handknit sweaters, and jars of pickles canned from our organic garden do not a perfect life make. Look at these things instead as the small and precious gifts that remind me of life’s greater gifts, the ones that get hidden in the murk on a bad day, or during a really bad week. Sometimes we celebrate because we’ve simply survived.
(photos from last spring, completely unrelated)
Sending you strength and love…sometimes we have to give it up to God when we can’t find the way.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Thank you, and much love to you my Dear Fellow Mother.
You are not alone Ginny, this summer has been so hard for us. Almost daily I have felt like a failure but try I remind myself that we always get through the tough times.
Lots of hugs,
Genevieve
Your post today is the root of why it’s so hard for me sometimes to read blogs. As an “older” mom, I read about babies and toddlers and moms who think this phase or that is so difficult and I want to scream “Just love them now because one day they will disappoint you and you’ll look back and wish you had appreciated these days to the fullest.”
You have not failed, Ginny. God gives these beautiful souls free will, just like he gave it to you and me. And they fall. As parents, the most important thing we can do is give them their faith. Like leading a horse to water, we can’t make them drink, but pray that some day they will choose to.
I hope things begin to look up for you. Parenting is a roller coaster, though, when they hit a certain age. And you really hit your knees!
The most important thing to is have been “good enough” through the worst and the best of times. There’s a saying I saw online that I remind myself of constantly lately. It says something like – You can be anything, but you can’t be everything. To me that saying reminds me that I must let go something and recognize that sometimes I will feel as though I have failed — but in the end, what I must be is good enough in that moment, even though I may not feel it. Think of you with love.
Some days are bad and some are hard and some are good and some are horrendous.Just want to add my love to all the love that has been sent via the blogosphere. I had a bad Thursday, am not sharing, but it was bad, and I felt bad. On the way home from work on Friday I had the ridiculous song from Monty Python in my head- Always look on the bright side of life. I have been singing it off and on ever since and It’s helping for some unknown reason!
Children are their own people, and all we can do as Mums is love them whatever!
Loved this post. Love your blog even more because of your honesty.
Consider a trip to your doctor… you may be depressed…I experienced black, horrible prenatal depression when pregnant with my first child. I was given a very light dose of anti-depressives, and after delivery, the doctor added more. It brought me out. Using medication is so controversial- but whether or not you choose that route, you might want to let a professional know what’s going on with you. I”ve been there.
Dear Ginny,
I’ve been reading your blog for the last two years or so, and often felt that I should let you know. But I didn’t had the guts. But reading your post today made me trample my own comfortlevels, and here I am sending you a message. Reading you post, I could feel the turmoil your in. Hang in there. You’re doing it, perfect or not, you’re doing it. You’re there. That’s the most important part of being a parent.
Ginny, thanks for sharing your life out here on the internet. I’m no Catholic, I’m no mother (yet) and I do not homeschool, but ever since I found your blog I can relate to a lot of what you’re writing about; being vulnarable, trying to live meaningful, trying to keep all the balls way up in the air and knitting obsessively. A year ago, when my life was completely out of its hinges, I toke courage from your writing. You showed what was possible. And your pictures touch me deeply. You capture live in a beatiful way. I just wanted to tell you that. That I really appreciate your honesty and that that’s the reason I come back to you time and again.
“Knit on, with confidence and hope, through all crises” (Elizabeth Zimmermann, you would really like her writing by the way)
Love, Martine
(((HUGS))) from one mama to another.
Thank you for writing this. I admit, there have been times when I’ve felt a twinge of jealousy as I read your blog and others like it. I had to finally give myself a break from blog reading the past few weeks as my own life and parenting were overwhelming me. I appreciate a post like this, because as readers many of us believe that what we read and see is all your days are filled with. Thank you for letting us see that you’re more like the rest of us than we may have thought, and that your real life isn’t always a beautifully constructed photo. Prayers for you and your family. May God give you the assurance that it will all turn out okay.
That was so wonderfully put, thank you for putting it into words. I’m also a mother of 7 little ones and Catholic, but homeschooling as much as I love the idea of it was not for me (we did give it a go for about 6 weeks).
For those oh so popular questions that I am sure you get asked….. I have 5 girls and 2 boys. B(16), G(16), G(13), G(10), B(8), G(7), G(22mos.)
The greatest gift we can give each other as mothers
is honesty. It is what we all seek in this job, the good and the bad.
The “pretty” well of course, who doesn’t enjoy looking at that.
When the picture is rounded out with the truth in words, that for me is
Truth, beauty and pretty. Your openess here is my pretty, thank you.
I ache with you, Ginny! Life IS hard!
All we can rely on is God and how He is holding you. Praying for you tonight!
“Blogs have a way of deceiving, but that’s only if you choose to read them that way. It’s a choice. ” That is so profound. You are a gifted writer. And as the mother of five, I can only sit here and nod in agreement until I resemble a bobble-head doll 🙂 Motherhood is not for the feint of heart, and especially with a big family in these times that we live in. I am struggling with the same thing on my own blog, if I post too many pretty pictures, it helps me and seems to contribute to a general internet state of ‘unrealistic perfection’ for others. I really needed to hear your post today. I am the mother of 5, one who is Autistic, and one boy who’s ADHD is so severe that I cry often too. But finding the joy, the beauty in it all is how I survive too!! And yes, my older kids are starting to ask, “Are you going to put that picture on your blog, Mom?” and I am finding that I am being more careful, and getting approval first. It’s all OK. You are a great mother, and thanks for sharing your art, your passion, and your real life with us!
Isaiah 43:2
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.”
Upholding you from my knees…
Oh Ginny! [[[[[ hugs! ]]]]] I have 4 grown children (31, 28, and 23 yr old twins). I started homeschooling when it was still illegal to do so! There was no internet yet – so we had to ‘wing it’. And we got through it. You and your husband are Human! As are your children! No one and I mean NO ONE is perfect (except for Jesus of course 😉 ) So you know what? No matter what happens, turn it over to God and KNOW that everyone is doing the best that they can at any given moment. Even in the ‘bad’ times. Everyone is doing their best.
[[[[[ More Hugs! ]]]]]
Prayers for you!
I just had to come back and comment again. As long as the kitchen and bathrooms are reasonaly clean ok well a little bit clean then don’t worry about the rest. A clean house doesn’t make a family. Good times, togetherness, love all of that makes a family. There is so much more I want to say but I don’t feel comfortable saying it here on the internet. Kids fight, parents fight, kids and parents fight but as long as it less than more then you’re ok. Much love to you. Linda
Blogs are all about what we choose to show to the world. I have never once taken a picture of a poopy diaper or of the hair that has accumulated in the corners of the bathroom. I think we all understand that. And your life is not for public consumption just because you have a blog. Peace be with you.
Prayers coming your way. I just wanted to pass along something that helped me. It is a book called The Apostolate of Holy Motherhood. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it! It is in times like these that the best thing you can do is rely heavily on God!
Thank you for being transparent. It makes me feel hopeful. Parenting is hard and seems to get harder as our children get older. Mine are 17, 13, and 10 this year. The physical weariness changes to emotional as you worry about new things beyond your control and allow for more freedom and independence.
You are so right when you point to the little gifts that God exposes for us when we feel the weight of our mistakes or miss-steps as parents. That is a great lesson in itself to teach our children. We are all trying and failing and trying some more.
Thanks for sharing beauty in your photos. They are a delight.
Oh I wish I could hug you right now. I did falsely believe your life was perfect I guess because it looks like the life that I wanted when I had kids but thats not what happened. I did home school them and I loved it but as I look back now after they have left the nest I am too hard on myself. I say that I did a terrible job of it, that I made a mess of it. But that is not entirely true. I have two great kids with big hearts. They are good people. Not perfect but very good people. I think my house is messier now than when they were here and I can’t seem to get a grip on it. Yesterday I had a terrible day but as my daughter would say most of it was my fault. I felt so defeated and disgusted with the entire world and wanted to just give up. But we can’t. So we don’t. I even wanted to write about it all on my blog but then I thought I would just be adding to the misery. So I decided that I should only post nice and pretty things. Or are we just making a silly, fake world for everyone else to be fooled by? Maybe if we shared our pain and frustrations we could somehow help others and they could help us. Dear you are doing a wonderful job, trust me. You are. Raising kids is hard but I think even from the few slices of life that we see on your blog you are doing a really wonderful job. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just live each day as it comes. Live and love. And knit 🙂
So so true! If you find a solution to getting over the pain of realizing you are not a perfect mother, let us all know because it is the big quest! I guess prayer helps, and turning it over to God. We are meant to love ourselves enough to forgive that we can’t always be shining with love and support for our children. Everyone of us has times when we are melting somehow and our kids are let down. I think that’s important for them to witness, lest they grow up thinking that they can be perfect parents, or even perfect people. Look, another thing is that kids have to explore the revolt and separation thing so they will find any nook or crack in parents and put a wedge there for leverage and push. It’s going to happen, and it’s going to give them benefit to learn something new about themselves and the world. You don’t even know how wonderful it is that you can share this along with “the Cherries”. It’s why I read your blog everyday. I am inspired by you Ginny! My children are grown now, and grandchildren are on the not too distant horizon. I homeschooled my 2 and we had our shinning moments and our woes and all in all it worked out beautifully. One is getting married this year and the other is currently in Marine Boot Camp. I am working on forgiving myself for my faults and shortcomings, and knowing that they had many good times and know that we love them- that’s my ‘win’. You have lots of friends out here reading and appreciating what you are sharing, and sending their love to you with prayer!
I like this post, Ginny. So interesting and keeps things real, ya know? Thank you for your candidness. Makes us non-bloggers realize that parenting is universally rough at times. Hugs to you.
May you feel the arms of the living Lord around you , comforting you and yours.
May He who is perfect, give you grace day by day, and lift your burdens upon himself.
May you be blessed in your going out, and coming in . Most of all may Jesus whisper in
your heart and soul, that in Him you are made perfect. Apart from Him we all fail, skin
our knees, and wonder. His plan for you, is in Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
For I am the LORD, your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)
God Bless you, and lift all the burdens you feel off you and place them on himself. In Jesus’ name , Amen.
Parenting has its ups and downs and there is no handbook. I only have two now grown children but I always told my oldest that he was my training and I would make mistakes with him that I would learn from in dealing with his sister. Of course each child is somewhat different and she presented some of her own challenges. With prayers, family and friends you will come out the other side. Faith and perseverance to you.
prayers for you and mothers everywhere 🙂
Prayers for you. countless hours spent @ night with the grief and the immensity of raising souls. We are blessed to raise them, and the joy and sorrow of it all can seem overwhelming. Prayers for you, and me, and all of those blessed with all of these precious ones.
Ginny,
I keep you in my prayers. As a mother of 4 with a husband who was working most of the time I can feel some of your pain. Mothering is a difficult 24/7 job with many rewards but also can have many heartbreaks. We all think we could have done better. I remember reading something once that helped me immensely through motherhood. “I did the best I could at the time” and really isn’t that what we all do? It may not have been as good as we could do in the present moment with hind site but it truly was the best we could do at the time.
Hugs to you. And don’t forget to take care of yourself and do some things and take time for yourself. It took me a lot of years of counseling to learn that. If you aren’t we’ll taken care of then you can’t take good care of others.
Sally
I read your post with sadness. I do know that if God brings us to it, He will see us through it and it sounds like you are leaning on Him. I hope things will work themselves out and I do know what you mean about the pictures. On bad days (especially), it is important to find a small something to celebrate. Thinking of you. Heather
Much love to you Ginny. xo
Sweet Ginny,
If you love your kids you ARE getting it right. Your actions/nonactions may not be perfect, but when your children look back they will know they were loved! You are not supposed to be perfect, for how would our children learn of real life if their parents were perfect? Big hugs and prayers for you and your beautiful family.
ps. I recently read a really great parenting book that has helped me a lot. The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle. She has a blog too! Great and helpful info!
this is one of the most beautifully written posts I have ever read form your ginny. poetic, authentic and honest.
thinking of you. xo meagan.
this is one of the most beautiful written posts I have ever read form your ginny. poetic, authentic and honest.
thinking of you. xo meagan.
Juste a smile for you !
Hi and hugs we all have weeks days hours like your if we are truelly honest with ourselves, thanks for sharing and hope this week ahead is a better brighter one for you all, hugs from the uk xxxx
Love is coming your way, from so many who ache and understand and are rooting for you and your family.
That last line, oh, it gets me. It is so true.
I am sorry that you had a rough week. I am praying for you.
It’s hard right now, but one day you can look back and see that you did make it through. I tell my adult child that I have made many mistakes being a mom, but I have tried not to repeat the ones my mom made with me. She can parent differently than I did and it is okay. I have tried my best, but clean underwear and completed homework aren’t all that make the world go round. My girls know I love them, we are here for them, and neither one is in jail (so far, at least), so I don’t think we did such a bad job now that we can look back. It’s been hard – the parenting classes just told us what was poisonous, not that we would both be almost totally gray before the oldest hit 20 years of age. I cry more in the shower, because only the dog sticks his head in there to see what I’m doing. We’re here for you.
Hoping things go better this week! As a mom with kids aged 22, 20, 19, 15, and 4, I have dealt with some mightily stressful times during the tween and teen years. Stress so bad, I was sure I would shatter into a million pieces. You will eventually come out the other side a stronger person, a more humble person, a wiser person, but the road to the other side is very rocky and treacherous. I applaud you for not blogging about it. I think it is important that we bloggers respect our children’s private lives. I rarely post much about my teens. I’m not even sure about the legal aspects about blogging about adult children, so don’t do more than mention my adult children. I am always very uncomfortable when I read blogs by bloggers who put all of their family’s “dirty laundry”out to dry on the internet.
Parenting can be so glorious and gritty and humbling. Thank you for sharing a little of both the beautiful and the not-so-nice.
I find it comforting that, even if I’m thrown in to the deep end, which can seem like a daily occurrence, “God desires the salvation of all. And He is always saving all who wish to be saved from drowning in the sea of life and sin. But He does not always save in a boat or in a convenient, well-equipped harbor. He promised to save the Holy Apostle Paul and all his fellow travellers, and He did save them. But the Apostle and his fellow-passengers were not saved in the ship, which was wrecked; they were saved with great difficulty, some by swimming and others on boards and various bits of the ship’s wreckage.” (From The Arena, by Bishop Ignatius)
Parenting can be so glorious and gritty and humbling. Thank you for sharing a little of both the beautiful and the not-so-nice.
I fin it comforting that, even if I’m thrown in to the deep end, which can seem like a daily occurrence, “God desires the salvation of all. And He is always saving all who wish to be saved from drowning in the sea of life and sin. But He does not always save in a boat or in a convenient, well-equipped harbor. He promised to save the Holy Apostle Paul and all his fellow travellers, and He did save them. But the Apostle and his fellow-passengers were not saved in the ship, which was wrecked; they were saved with great difficulty, some by swimming and others on boards and various bits of the ship’s wreckage.” (From The Arena, by Bishop Ignatius)
Beautiful words, Ginny. I can see and hear your heart so clearly in them. I fully understand. Life can be so difficult at times, and then unexpectedly God blesses with a moment of beauty to encourage and refresh, and then we are right back into the fray. I am grateful that you share your moments of beauty with us; they encourage and refresh me as well, even as I walk through my own challenges. Though we have never met, you are in my prayers. Peace and hugs to you, Ginny.
I have been there and I ha e endured because of love. Love gives us the strength to endure thi gs we never thought we could. When I was going through the most difficult season I could of never imagined with my son I did not share about it o. My blog either. I kept sharing the beauty that came with the days of suffering because the beauty still comes. I did share my tears in a small way. It is wise to keep our children covered rather than expose them. Know that you are not Alone.
Ginny, I agree wholeheartedly with Lisa! Better days are coming for you!
love and hugs across the internet… having hard times too… the beauty shines through when we are given the chance to See. xo
Ginny,
You’re not alone. I can relate. And I’m sure many others can as well.
I appreciate how you clarify the images of what blogs show vs the reality behind the scenes. Often, because you are so honest, you show the reality (compression stockings, kids on tables, cats on tables) and we readers love it. You are real. I’ve been told that the sensitivity which allows some to love so deeply, also means we are pained deeply. That’s been my experience. I have to tell myself, “this too will pass” over and over.
Hang in there.
You are a beautiful soul, crafting beauties in your wake, who will reach the shore and bring treasures with them to be discovered by whomever is blessed enough to look and see them waiting to brighten the world with their unique lovliness…. 🙂 Making the world a better place, one person at a time….
I “happened” upon your comments through Facebook. I am one of eight children, have two adult sons, a partner of going on 37 years and work with children professionally. I understand your hesitancy in posting/blogging about your parenting trials. Please let me share that ignoring your own personal needs (which can wrap around parenting among other roles) disregards your importance/spirit. Women set themselves aside (not to say men don’t) and miss amazing moments. Feel free to contact me to chat/share if you like. If not – be well.
So sorry you are suffering through this heartache, especially during the challenges of pregnancy. Be sure of my prayers for your family, that in His mysterious way Christ draws you to His Heart and unites your suffering to His own, that is may bear fruit somehow – perhaps in ways beyond our understanding.
Today’s saint, Teresa Benedicta of the Cross (Edith Stein), is a favorite of mine. She had a lot to say about beauty, pain, empathy … so many things I see echoed in your words. I’ll ask for her special intercession for all of you in my prayers tonight.