Life is beautiful, painful, and awfully complicated sometimes. I am climbing my way out of the pit (or more accurately being lifted from it, cause it’s not my own strength I’m relying on) after one of the most horribly difficult weeks of parenting I have ever faced, and I am not talking about the kind of hard week that involves vomit and mounds of dirty laundry. There was a night this week that I spent far more hours crying than I did sleeping. I woke Jonny at 3 a.m. because I felt like I would die lying there in our bed from the sheer pain. In fact, I didn’t want to face my life at all. I didn’t think I could. I did not post anything on my blog the following day. I just couldn’t. However, had I wanted to post a whole slew of unrelated pretty photographs of whatever happened to make me smile, I would have. I wouldn’t have felt like I wasn’t “being real.” I wouldn’t have felt like it was false of me to post pretty, when life was feeling pretty filthy.
And I guess I just need you to know that. I post beauty, even when life is ugly. For me, it’s the only way.
I told Jonny that I feel like we so often get thrown in the deep end, with no opportunity to test the water first. That’s what this week was like. But then, as I cautiously began talking with friends, I realized, that of course it’s not just us. We’re all thrown in the deep end at one time or another, and it’s sink or swim, sink or swim. And if you are counting on perfection in the world of parenting, you’re going to sink.
Blogs have a way of deceiving, but that’s only if you choose to read them that way. It’s a choice. You can read that I stopped for cherries, and make all sorts of assumptions, or you can simply be reminded that we all have our good moments–you and me. I’m not the best homeschooler, I lost my hand at structure three kids ago, and at some point I swapped obsessive housecleaning for obsessive knitting. So there. I’m a good mom because I love my kids, but not because I’m getting that much right. You can pour yourself into a child, the best you can, and still wake up one day and realize that you missed, and the consequences are great.
I choose not to share the trials we face as parents here. As our boys have gotten older, it has become far more obvious why it’s necessary that I don’t. No matter the temptation to pour my heart out, this is the internet, and my heart is not the only one on the line.
Day trips to the shore or the meadow, handknit sweaters, and jars of pickles canned from our organic garden do not a perfect life make. Look at these things instead as the small and precious gifts that remind me of life’s greater gifts, the ones that get hidden in the murk on a bad day, or during a really bad week. Sometimes we celebrate because we’ve simply survived.
(photos from last spring, completely unrelated)
Oh, Ginny! I’m sorry I wrote you that long whiney note about all that we’ve been going through awhile back. Being thrown in the deep end is such a great analogy to parenting, isn’t it? I’ve struggled too with my kids getting older, wondering how much to share. You want to protect your child’s privacy, but also be transparent in how hard life really gets so that others aren;’t discouraged by only seeing the highlights.
You are a great mother, and you know that. It’s so hard for me to realize my kids are just as flawed as me, no matter how I parent, and some lessons I can’t protect them from. I continue to pray for you during this time, and be sure to make a priority of taking care of yourself too! God knows. He loves your kids more. He’s not worried at all.
“I’m a good mom because I love my kids, but not because I’m getting that much right.” This could be my motto! Peace to you and yours, Ginny.
I am so sorry you are hurting. Your honesty helps us all. ” I will ask the Father, and he will give you another helper who will be with you forever. ” Last night, I asked for the holy spirit to help me because I can’t do it myself and I feel so incapable, as in I just don’t have the capacity or ability. In asking, I felt the value and peace of surrender. I felt a glimmer of what Jesus was trying to teach us. The thing he asks for the most from us is humility and love. And I see that everywhere in your blog writing. It’s why I love your blog and read it faithfully. Sure, I like the pretty pictures. They are one of the gifts that you give. But there are lots of blogs with pretty pictures; but yours is one I read and never miss a post. Because of your heart and your humility. It is so hard to surrender to the fact that our children make their own choices and their pain is our pain. It is so much easier to believe that we could have controlled it or changed it and we can never know for sure if there is any truth to that. So we can only do our best in this moment and surrender. And trust. Love. And be humble. Accept. Accept that we have little to no control over most things but we have some control over our reaction. So if I can react in love and humility, then I am acting in a way that is pleasing to God. And that is where I fail. Over and over. I have recently realized that if I don’t ask for help from the Holy Spirit, I have no chance of becoming what Jesus asks me to be. I fail on my own. So I ask for help. And I surrender. I hope. and I find peace. I am wishing peace for you and the Holy Spirit to come to you and help you.
We’ve been treading water for months in the deep end. I love how you have helped me to realize that while I might be crumbling on the inside, the beauty, my children, those things that make me smile, are what keeps me afloat. I, too, don’t always share the hard, the terror, the painful, because, like you, I hold tightly to those gifts and they are my reminders that I am begin carried. Sometimes I feel like I’m not being authentic when I chose to post the beauty over the pain……thank you for bringing me to that place of allowing me to simply revel in the peace that does exist around me in an effort to regain my strength, trust, and faith in myself and my world around me.
Peace to you, dear soul. And please, continue to CELEBRATE!!!!
I can relate to so much of what you have written. I’m losing more sleep now than when our kids were younger. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you!
Oh, Ginny…I love you. I know, here I go again. 😉 I get it. I get the beauty amongst the ugly. I , too, have been having some very difficult parenting moments of late. The wind knocked out of me. It’s been hard and still is, actually. I haven’t blogged in *months*. I just don’t know what to say. And I definitely know I can’t blog about the ugly. It’s all too painful and “keeping it real” is not mine to share even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. Anyway, keep on keeping on and you’re in my prayers, friend.
Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. Parenting is so rewarding and yet so challenging at times. I thought of these words from a Matt Redman song….
Blessed be Your name, In the land that is plentiful ,
Where Your streams of abundance flow, Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name When I’m found in the desert place , Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out, I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord , Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
-Matt Redman
I loved reading your blog. I turned 60 yesterday…homeschooled for 25 years, didn’t know I had lupus, wondered why I was so inadequate and tired, but wouldn’t have changed places with anyone in the world, realize as time goes by some of the things I missed teaching, give thanks every day that the kids turned out right anyway and that I have beautiful grandchildren, was married to the best man in the world for 37 years and lost him 6 months ago, so grateful that God let me do what I did…I b’lieve you’re doing it right…I love your pictures. I love your faith. It goes by really fast, and it all heals in the end.
Much love,
Syler Womack
Thank you for writing this. This week I was staring into the black hole of pain and despair coming up from my past and unable to see anything else. Prayer is the only thing that has gotten me through. Your post made me feel less alone.
Sending positive thoughts to you. I appreciate your blog for celebrating the beauty. Thank you for pouring your heart out here.
This is life, isn’t it? Blogs are just a snippet of our days here and there. I have long stopped to believe that blogs reflect what families actually look like in real.
We all have bad days, weeks, phases – we have thunder and lightning, and then one day the clouds are lifted and the sun is returning and shining brightly.
Sometimes I struggle and I fail – but I am only human. And there is always the chance to make up, to forgive, or to step back and have a little break. As my oldest daughter is entering puberty now I notice what I have done right, where I have failed in the past. But I can also see that we can go through this together when we are honest to each other and when I trust that God will lead us when we let him.
I send you hugs and hope you are soon feeling better, Ginny. ♥
Love to you, friend.
(((hugs))) I hope today is a brighter day. x
Wow! Tears in my eyes right now – because I have felt the same way. I have only 1 child but there are times I just wonder why God put me in charge of this one, bright child. And I enjoy reading your blog – and others – and often feel like you do all have it all together! And “how do they do it all so gracefully!?” Thanks you so much for your honesty. I only want the best for you – just seeing beautiful children – healthy and creative – you must be doing some very right things! I know I just need to have God assist me every moment of every day. That is the only way that I can move forward and feel somewhat comforted. Sending hugs to you today!
I was an angry sobbing mess yesterday. Today I’ve only sobbed a little. Anyway, I also wrote a thingy about “real” on my blog yesterday and thought of you and how you have occasionally been misunderstood.
Oh my… this touched my heart on many levels. Thank you.
Ginny- Thank you. I have been feeling like a huge failure as a Mama to our four little ones. I tend to put those blinders on and assume what life is like for others. Every time it knocks me down until I realize how my outlook had shifted. It’s so easy to think that that , which we see, is what is, all the time. Forgetting that we all struggle. Often, I find that I am reminded by the Lord from where I came. And the dis-function I came out of, and how he still reached down and picked me up, and set me on a good solid place. Working out the dis-functions. Putting my children in a better environment (failures and all) than what I had. Trusting that he is faithful to do in there hearts, what he has promised. Completing the work he started in them and me. He sets me to Rest in his strong arms. Catches every tear. Hears every prayer. And is Faithful to me and my children, as a Good Father is. I sometimes allow my failures to over-stretch his ability to work it out in them in spite of me. I love the title of Small Things. I come here and am reminded to take Joy on this Journey of Motherhood and Family, in the Small Things. To take hold of the good. And yes, to truly celebrate them! As I read that you had found that your friends had felt the same thing, that brought comfort to me. I have felt that so many times, and felt it was my failure to cope, the intensity of it all. We don’t have a strong connection to a young family circle where we relocated to yet, so I have really gleaned so much from reading your Blog. Being inspired and reminded. And encouraged. And feeling a bit more normal. I am praying for you, for peace in the deep end, and wisdom how to tread. And apologize for assuming between the lines, and thank you for sharing your moments and thoughts.
May Peace be with you, Ginny.
I am so sorry. I don’t even have to know what is happening to feel the pain. My prayers are with you. xoxo
Pregnancy and motherhood are hard jobs. Oftentimes we forget that. I am glad you have support. My “tribe” is what saves me most days. Everything we see and hear is just a slice of a bigger life. I often tell my husband we made it through the day alive and intact – that is a win.
Love to you and your sweet family, Ginny. If we lived closer, I would bring you a cup of tea and thank you in person for all that you share here. It is one of my favourite places to come. I hope that the week improves and that you have a chance to catch your breath and maybe even nap a little. xoxo
no one’s life is perfect. what you choose to share reminds those who read what is lovely, what we can be grateful for despite and because of the contrast to the hard and difficult parts. xo
Ginny, You are in the trenches love! You and I both know what a difference even just one day can make. I remember a few years back having 6 kids under the age of 10. No one could really do much to help but the years went fast and now I have so much help but for some reason still look back on those days and remember them fondly as the good ole days. It seems we mommas forget the bad and ugly and cling to the beauty. You are doing just fine 🙂
What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you and your family.
Ginny – All I can say is that I understand. Maybe in my own way and thinking of our own parenting circumstances (particularly that of our adopted 16 year old), and I appreciate your raw honesty.
Prayers for you, Jonny & kids.
You know, I had a weep just last night. I was telling my husband that if outsiders saw the vegetable patch and the handknit school sweaters, the tie dyed babygrows and the homecooked dinner, they’d probably think our lives are smugly perfect. And that sometimes I just want to scream IT’S NOT you fools, what you see is me TRYING and TRYING and TRYING my best, but I’m still flying by the seat of my breeks. Exhausted and bedraggled and wringing my hands about what’s best for my kids, running just to catch up ALL THE TIME. This family thing, it’s freaking hard. xx
Oh Ginny, thank you so much for sharing this. I really needed to read this after the current chatter going around. I have been feeling so so down about it all. This internet home of yours is a place that has brought me encouragement and creativity and the push to keep going. Thank you for that. That is real.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling. It’s a sad state when so far gone are the days of “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” that if you don’t say the less than lovely along with the beautiful it must be all beautiful (!?!) But I suppose it has always been that way and we just never realized or had to come quite so face-to-face with it as now with the over sharing of the internet. My mom always says everyone has stuff, everyone’s stuff is different. And it is so true. (Although she says it with a different word in place of stuff, that is often a better description but not one I post on the internet.) I hope your burden grows lighter or at least easier to bear.
Lifting you in prayer today.
Thank you for pouring this out there. Too often I feel that I go through the same thing with my 1 child, I know how embarrassing, but to be able to hear that it happens to all of us is comforting. We are not alone at this parenting game and to know that it’s not all about perfection but more or less our best try at it. Keep up the good work, you’re inspiring!
A wonderfully honest read. None of us are perfect, and we all have days when we wonder if we are really going about things in the right way, and it is important to have ‘comfort jobs’ to do then; whether it is sewing, knitting, writing, painting, or in my case baking – the little things keep us sane.
I always tell myself that if tomorrow is no better then the day after definitely will be!
Keep smiling, stay strong and knit lots xx
oh, ginny. i am so sorry life has been so rough the last week. and you know, the pretty pictures, they do help. because we all have to remember that even in the worst of times there is beauty, hope, wonderfulness. i stopped seeing blogs as perfectness a long time ago. those who write blogs are sharing a small snippet of their life. you know just beyond the pretty table is a sink of dirty dishes, just like at my house. the happy kids running thru a meadow, 5 minutes before where fighting like cats and dogs.
i hope things improve and you are not up at nights crying, but sleeping. ((hugs))
i can relate to what you have written. not on the same way perhaps but being a mum for the firts time i find your words reasuring and a reminder that sometimes not all has to be perfect. The litle things often pass us by and they are so important! thank you for sharing. you seem to have a strong family bond and i wish you all good things!
I’m in the middle of a difficult week myself, and I thank you for your words here. I think the search for beauty in the midst of our ordinary, even our difficult and challenging and sad lives, is a way that we remind ourselves that God is right here in the ordinary with us. Your blog, your images and your words, are a reminder of the beauty we can find in the everyday, and therefore, they point me to God. Bless you today!
Oh, Ginny! We always celebrate because we simply survive! Or, at least I do! My life has been hard. HARD. Really hard. You and I both have survived things most people just couldn’t. Difficult doesn’t even begin to describe my childhood…I’m guessing yours wasn’t easy either. But we are working hard to not pass dysfunction to our own children! We are following Christ, starting new each and everyday. I am sooo not perfect! But I love my husband and my children with all of myself. Our homes might be disorganized, but they are safe. Our kids are safe, in a way we never were…and that, my friend is not simply surviving. It is success. Sending lots of love your way. And prayers. Love, Kate Talley
your honesty is brutal & ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!! When you share these deep insights (without the nitty gritty of the scene behind the post) it’s a souls poetry…. this post and the one about you & your husbands ‘date nights’ really touched me. Thank you and I’ll pray for strength for you in these raw times.
Thank you. Your words are perfect! I am in a different situation, and have been pushed into the deep end several times in just this season. I too look to beauty and gratitude…and I know it’s something bigger helping me wake each day. I hope you find peace today. Found beauty in your photos and words. Gratitude I’m not alone.
We all have good days and bad times. I respect and admire your choices in the blog. It is inspiring, as this honest post is. Be well.
I am so sorry. I know those darkest of moments too. He has this one in His hands. Xx
The Lord replied, “My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.”
Dearest Ginny, we have been in the throes of it too. I am with you. I don’t post those things on my blog because I want it to be a place of joy, and to respect my children and their struggles. Our family is a private place. The people we call into it on our journey, special and wisdom filled. It’s not that I don’t think my readers will share stories and kind words that I need to hear… It’s that blogging isn’t a place to complain about my kids. Thank you for sharing your struggle today. You will be on my heart and in my prayers. Those kids of yours have a pretty amazing mama… Don’t forget that, ok?
Dear Ginny,
So sorry you are going through a hard time right now! Please know that if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I am now within driving distance!! I often need a moment away from the kids & will meet you for coffee. I also think so highly of the fact that you have chosen not to air all your dirty laundry. With so much ugliness in the world & so much social media, it breaks my heart when I see parents exposing their children’s sins for all too see. One day these children will grow up & they will be horrible hurt to see what their parents have shared & said about them! Anyone who thinks that a blog shows all of ones life is just as fooled as the person that thinks reality tv is really reality!! Praying for you! Oh, & by the way, would love to be one of your children, you may have your days, but I see how hard you are trying to make their childhood filled with fun memories & those are the things your children will remember! You are doing an awesome job!!!
“Sometimes we celebrate because we’ve simply survived.” — this, just this. perfect.
Yup, yes, and exactly–to all of that. Hope things are starting to look brighter for you, Ginny.
I’m sorry for your sorrows. I agree with your decision to not share–I try to keep that stuff off the internet as well. I wish you peace. And more pretty pictures.
“Knit on through all crises–with confidence and hope.” ~~Elizabeth Zimmerman (I probably mangled the quote, but the sentiment is there.)
Sending love your way. Just so you know, this blog is where I turn to remind myself to see the beautiful moments during the most difficult days and weeks of parenting. Thank you for that. Remember that your children are so lucky to have you, because even if you aren’t right all the time, you love them, and you do your best for them.
This post was so raw and real and beautiful that it brought me to tears. What an honest reminder that we all struggle– as parents and humans. We are all doing our best. Thank you for sharing your tears and vulnerability here– big hugs to you during this trying time. xo
<3 to you from my end of virginia. i understand, in more ways than i can publically say. thank you, and please know that you are not alone. <3
So sorry you’re having a trial lately.
You and your husband seem to make such a great team, facing it together is probably the best thing.
Just know that even if we don’t know the specifics, your virtual friends are all sending you happy thoughts.
We all have days and sometimes weeks like that. Best I can tell they do balance out over time though. (((HUGS)))