Saturday morning Jonny left early with Keats and Gabe. They had baseball tryouts and would be gone a few hours. The low back pain that makes walking about painful, and characterizes pregnancy for me was as present as ever. I hoped that Silas would wake minus the fever that plagued him the day before, but he didn’t. His tears, and his need for his mommy to hold his stout 30 pounds were very much with us. I sat on the couch in our messy kitchen, holding him while my girls began making requests for this and that; their needs and wants not ceasing just because mommy’s back hurt and Silas was sick. I whispered to my unborn son under my breath, needing to make his presence real, a reminder that there is a gift behind the pain that will soon erase these hard months. I meditated on the words of a friend in a recent email, “Babies are eternal–soul-making.”
But on this day, everywhere I looked all I could see was something that “needed” to be done. The insistent cries of “Mommy, Mommy!” began to feel like an attack. Tears streamed from my eyes under the weight of the impossible task I had created for myself. My mind ran wild and I lost all sense of perspective, of what is most important.
My children, blind to what I see, look around and just see a good life to be lived, and they want to live it with me. They don’t want a mom run ragged after their messes, they want me sitting in the midst of them, listening, looking into their eyes, engaged with them. And yes, they after all, have souls. Why waste my worries on all that’s lifeless, soul-less? But I do; I waste.
So after this long day spent taking care of little ones and doing the daily things that must be done, in between breaks on the couch to hold ice on my back, I finally collapse into bed. I wake two hours later, sweating and sick. I spend most of my night huddled in the bathroom. I evidently brought a little something extra home from the pediatrician’s office, having visited two days in a row for annual check-ups. The day after, I am forced to spend my time in bed, sipping strong tea and praying that the worst is over. Funny what a night spent emptying the contents of my stomach has done to my head. It’s clearer as well. In a strange way, I am glad for the stomach virus that has knocked me down.
I lose my head sometimes and allow myself to become controlled by my environment. I become accomplishment driven, when I should be faith driven. I fight against my reality, and during pregnancy, the state of my body, rather than patiently accepting it. I am thankful for the moments of clarity as my illness subsides. I pray that I can carry some of it with me next time I am tempted to cry and despair over all that will eventually be no more than dust.
Ginny, thank you as always for your incredible honesty and hard learned Mom-wisdom! Your courage to publicly write about your struggles gives me the courage to accept the things that bring me to tears at home, surrounded by all the things that I think “need” to be done, but my adrenal fatigued body can’t do and to remember that time with my young son is the most precious. I so appreciate your blog as it inspires me to see all the creative things you do with your children and the reality of the struggles of life are combined. I always come away uplifted instead of feeling incompetent and inadequate as can happen with other blogs. Thank you.
What an absolutely beautiful post ~
Oh Ginny, thank you for this! Although I’m at a very different stage in parenthood (teenagers) this really resonated with me today and was most certainly something I needed to hear. By faith. Yes.
Beautiful post. This mama, at 40 weeks + 3 days (not that I’m counting or anything) appreciates your words so much. 🙂
Thank u for this post! I especially loved the third
Paragraph. A good reminder for me! Hope you are feeling better.
Awww….I’m so sorry you aren’t feeling well Ginny. Have you been to a Chiro for the back pain?
Praying that you recover well and that the aches and pains diminish. This is beautiful… thank you.
Yes, what a crazy way life feels a lot. The energy as of late just feels quite intense to me. I struggle with things like dust too. And get hard on myself when I see that bright twinkle in my children’s eyes…and think, oh why cant I be there all the time for them…to notice that, to listen, and forget the dust and the dishes, but its all about the balance, because the dishes do need to get done. I think its all in the mind. Here’s to more clarity….and you feeling better!
:)Lisa
Such a transparent posting of motherhood. Thank you for being so wise and humble. I’d like to share this post with a mom’s group that I attend if I may.
Thank you, Lisa! Of course you can share.
Ginny, as I read this it is like God has articulated to me how I have been feeling and acting these last few months. My desire to extend our family has been attacked by worldly stress, rather than faith. I have constantly been looking at my environment and felt swallowed up and a failure. Thanks for sharing your heart, it has blessed me and allowed me to understand myself. xxx Praying for you xx Rach
Thank you Ginny for sharing your reflections and this perspective. I loved reading your words. They resonate with me. I hope you are feeling better.
Thanks for your post! Yes, I think that we all need to lean a little more on our faith and God. He/She would never give us anything that He/She did not feel we were ready for. Sometimes we need to let God do the work! Feel better!
Loved you reflections and observations. I loved the last line too. 🙂
So sorry, Ginny! Your post was so beautiful even though it was totally sad! I hope you feel better soon! And the rest of the littles. That would be so hard to give your attention to everyone.
Thank you for your words. Loved the last sentence. Hope you feel better soon.
Very much relate to this. When I get in this place, my husband calls it “the downward spiral.” ~smile~
I have to remind myself that it will pass, it will pass. thank you also for reminding me to live by faith, not by sight. Hope your day has improved. ps. I am the one who met you in Greenville in the hotel room with your mom, Aimee, and Ann. 🙂
Hi Andrea! I knew you right away from your little profile picture 🙂 And yes, the downward spiral is a good way to describe it. Thank goodness I don’t spiral all the way down into throwing up every time!!
Oh, Ginny! How I cried when I read your post. I am expecting our 8th, and have had to deal with several issues (health wise), and have felt very much the same as you have. What freeing words you have penned! Thank you for sharing.
As a side note, not saying it can help, but if you haven’t tried it yet, it wouldn’t hurt to do so. Try putting some magnesium oil on your back to see if it helps. A bottle usually costs around 10$. But you can also make some really cheap by taking some Epsom salt and mixing it with water. One-fourth cup Epsom to 1 cup water. When ever I have tweaked muscles, or my muscles start seizing up I rub some on and feel good to go in a minute or two. Wishing you the best!
Blessings,
Kerri
Hi Ginny,
I am experiencing much of those same thoughts and struggles as I deal with morning sickness in my third pregnancy. Your post was an encouragement to me:) Ill pray for you as I’m laying on the couch wanting to throw myself a pity party! Hope you’re feeling better and thanks for taking the time to blog!
I no longer have children in the home but do have some health issues. I am lead to believe that these, on occassion, are God’s way of slowing me down, making me focus on Him, and care for myself. I haven’t always found this easy to do for I too desire to be busy and effective. I trust you will be more comfortable soon, that you will give yourself permission to rest, and that you will have peace. I will continue to pray for you and your precious family.
This is such a lovely post. Thanks for putting it out there as this situation is so recognisable for the mommies amongst us!
I hope that you soon will feel better again
Ginny you always inspire me with your honest thought provoking posts. Some days are overwhelming and it’s hard to do everything that is asked of us. You have done so well to reflect back on the good when on top of everything else you come down with a bug. I hope your back pain improves and life becomes less hard during this stressful time.
Sue x
Great post…so great in fact that I shared it on Facebook for my other mom friends. This one really hit close to home for me as I go through these phases as well. You want to live this picture perfect life where the house is sparkling clean and you are ever present for your children and husband, while also working a full time job and going to school, in my case. Something has to fall through the cracks and I can’t dwell on those cracks, because really my life with its cracks is pretty awesome and I am pretty flipping blessed to have these beautiful loved ones around me. When life gets a bit too much for me, I knit, meditate (deep breathing), or try my hardest to get an hour away for myself. Hope everyone in your house feels better soon.
Yasmin
This is so beautifully written. Two parts in particular stand out to me: that our children are in essence blind to the chaos or mess or should-ness that we see, and the statement that “babies are eternal soul-making.” So lovely. Your children are very fortunate. Blessings and health to you.
What a lovely post. Thanks so much for sharing your insight. This is something that I too struggle with. I hope you are feeling better soon. Here’s to moments of clarity and focusing on connecting with our children. The washing up can wait. 🙂
Yes. Exactly as it is written here. I can struggle with this too; faith in God instead of ‘I need to do this’ etc… you’ve been on my mind lately and in my prayers, small as they are. God is with you in all of this and motherhood is something that saves us; you are very blessed.
Beautiful. Thank you for your honesty and perspective. You are inspiring!
As a grandmother doing this all over again, I needed these words. Bless you!
Ginny, I love your honesty and that last sentence has etched itself on my mind in a profound way today as I feel myself relating to so much of what you’ve written here 🙂
THANK YOU for the perspective. I too often focus on the comparatively unimportant tasks to the detriment of spending time with my children. This was a timely reminder of where my priorities should be. I hope you feel better soon. 🙂
You poor thing, I hope you are feeling better. Your words have really hit an accord with me as, even though I have one Little Son, he is very creative and he makes SO much mess. I get over whelmed with it and it is hard to get the right perspective sometimes (often in fact). Like your children, he looks at the world through the fun and joy that is so easy to forget as an adult. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he will never allow himself to stop having joy and I pray that he succeeds. Lily. xxx
I hope you feel better soon.
I hope you feel better soon. I totally understand that feeling of seeing things that need to be done everywhere you look. It’s hard for me not to stress/obsess over completing tasks and tidying up. Sometimes I can’t fall asleep at night because I was too tired to do the dishes at 1am and I can just feel them calling me to clean them.
I have days like that too, good to know I am not alone! ( I am also pregnant with baby #5 and #6!) Its hard to remember what is important when you have so many demands on you and so many things you are in charge of. Thanks for this sweet post. I love how real you are and really enjoy the little glimpses of your beautiful family that you share with us in this space. 🙂
Praying for you!
Deborah
and those hormones rage on…..(on top of everything else!) Many many moons ago, I sort of remember those days — trying desperately to cope…just to make it to naptime/dinnertime/bedtime (?) whatever-time. Part of mommy-hood, I guess…..I remember the tears, but not what caused them; I remember being frustrated—but not the cause of the frustration. (In the big scheme of things…..they simply weren’t that important—real at the time, just not that important.) I think you summed it up…..with clarity.
hope you and Silas are both feeling better real soon……clarity comes so much easier when you aren’t throwing up!
Ginny, I love your honesty and that last sentence has etched itself on my mind in a profound way today as I feel myself relating to so much of what you’ve written here 🙂
What a beautiful, thoughtful post… those babies, all sizes, need so much love from us and how hard it is for us mothers to be in the moment, to be fully present. Our very nature pulls us to clean and organize and control when the nature of childhood is to be unorganized and chaotic and wild. Its such a difficult dance between the two, made harder by the demands of pregnancy. And yet somehow it is all part of Gods divine plan — this morning sickness, this bodily pain, lived daily amongst the needs of our other children and our spouse. Trustful surrender is all we have — and thankfully all that is asked of us…
Have you ever read “Loving What Is” by Bryon Katie? She is amazing. http://www.thework.com I pray that you get some comfort and a bit of pampering soon, even if for only 30 minutes!
Do feel better, I think it’s natural to be overwhelmed and to see what must be done when that is what is on our minds. Take care of your back-give yourself a break-and hopefully you won’t need a stomach bug to find clarity 🙂
Everytime we go through such demanding times (demanding on our emotions, bodies, minds, and nervous systems) and we get through to the other side we should gently and quietly award ourselves a tiny, shiny medal.
I wish I could have shared your difficult hours with you, lightened the burden but I am offering you a beautiful medal with the word ‘respect’ engraved on it.
While reading this post. My son has almost broken my fan, about 20 matchbox cars have flown down the stairs, my other son was screaming at the top of his lungs that his brother wasn’t being nice to him. Now I hear more trucks going down the stairs. There is still yelling. Can’t I just read one post. Please! In other words I have sympathy for you. I hope you feel better and I’m glad the bug might have helped. Now how to find time to knit? You are a great mom and I love that you share all the parts of mommyhood here.
this was such an honest moment to share….
sometimes things are just hard. so hard. i struggle with many of the same things.
glad you are feeling well….
xo~~
(ps – prenatal yoga was incredible for my back…. have you tried it?)
I did with Keats…many pregnancies ago. I actually ordered a prenatal yoga video last week that should arrive tomorrow, so I am going to try! I’m also calling the chiropractor today!
I’m so sorry for your pain and discomfort. Thank you for sharing your heart. It is a needful and wonderful reminder to me. *hugs* 🙂
oh, ginny. ((hug)) i so get that feeling. i sit around elbow deep in a mess, nauseated beyond belief, tired, kids needing/wanting a million things and all i want is it curl up in bed and nap, and all they want is to have me present… not cleaning and fussing (which is what i end up doing) but just being there to listen and maybe read a book and play with dolls or superheros or draw a picture.
may this illness me swift and leave you soon. <3
Oh Ginny! It’s like we live parallel lives sometimes. I started falling apart this last week, and my husband made the comment I’d heard from many other people “Moms aren’t allowed to get sick.” I said, “But we do! We do, and it would just be better for everyone if people just acknowledged that we get sick!” The trouble is it takes 5 people to replace 1 mom. I don’t know why this is.
Lately I’ve been thinking I really want to become a hermit, and no one will let me. 🙂
Thank you, Ginny. I needed your words today. Hope you all are feeling better soon.
You are in my prayers, dear Ginny.
This is all so familiar. I always feel blessed after those nasty purges. Rest well and continue being thankful.
Have you read this? It seems to be making its way around right now, but it sounds like something you should read! http://whatcomfamilies.com/2013/05/11/the-invisible-mother/
It’s hard, some days, isn’t it? I’m sorry you’ve been unwell but I’m glad you’ve found peace and clarity. Much love to you, Ginny. xo
Ahhh, there are days, sometimes weeks, where I wait for clarity. Where I just go through the motions, mired down in … stuff. Moments of clarity are precious. And I really have to figure out how to keep them more present. Glad you got there!