This morning found my oldest son in a state of frantic searching, followed by angry words. His words were directed at me. I was amused that he labeled me “horrid.” But my amusement quickly turned to remorse when his tears started to roll.
Keeping a small home (less than 1500 square feet) neat and manageable is no small task when eight people, six of them growing every day, reside within it’s walls. People who visit may comment that it doesn’t seem like that many people live here (depending on the timing of their visit,) but that is because I keep a tight rein on everyone’s belongings, including my own. Well, there’s also the fact that I very openly clean for company to the best of my ability, so only the closest of friends have seen my house at it’s messy worst. And believe me, it gets messy (thank you Larkspur and Beatrix for helping me keep it real.)
Most of my children are not terribly attached to many particular belongings, and those that they are, I do my best to respect and help them keep those items to a small and manageable number. The key is to prevent stuff from ever coming through the front door to begin with. When it comes to things, I say no quite often. My extended family knows our living situation, and they are all wonderfully respectful of my wishes to only give very meaningful or needed gifts.
But, what about the take out food containers of shells and rocks from the beach? What about the bits of rusty metal dug up in the yard, the bottle caps, the old bottles, the giant collection of pinch pots made at pottery class? I have one son who clings to every item. Seth shares a 9 by 9 foot bedroom with Gabriel. In the room there is a set of bunkbeds, an armoire (there is no closet) and a bookcase. Under the bed each has one storage container to keep their prized possessions in. Gabriel does well limiting himself to that box. Seth has exceeded his limit with his endless collections and they are taking over that tiny space. About a month ago, while Jonny and the kids were at a Cub Scout function, I entered the boys’ cave as I call it, and was horrified at the mess and the dirt. There was literally dirt on the floor. I couldn’t help myself, and I started cleaning for the sake of simple hygiene. I zeroed in on a cardboard box that had been sitting in the floor full of random items for months, untouched. There is so little floor space in that room, and in order to clean the floor, I had to get the stuff out of the way. Digging through the contents of the box, I determined that the rocks, shells, bowls from the pottery class from four years ago, etc, etc, weren’t needed. I honestly don’t even remember what I did with them. In my mind they were just sitting there taking up space and contributing to the mess. This morning, Seth recalled some of the items that had been in that box, and started asking questions. “Where are my shells? What did you do with my stuff?” He clearly doesn’t live by the “rule” that states that if you haven’t looked at, used, or needed an item in the past three months or more, then you can probably part with it.
Please don’t misunderstand. I am not a control freak. I am not a tyrant. I do respect my children. But, I find myself at a loss for how to give them a healthy relationship with things. Clearly, getting rid of stuff when their backs are turned isn’t the answer (although with younger children, sometimes it is. My technique in that department is to put the items in question in a box in the attic for awhile before getting rid of it for good. That way, if the item is missed too much it can be retrieved.)
I am easily distracted. Very easily distracted. I took medication for this in college for one semester. However, my level of productivity during those months felt unnatural, so I gave up the meds. But when I say I get distracted, I mean that if I am cooking dinner and my hair is touching my face too much, I can’t focus on the recipe. If the kitchen is a wreck, I have to clean it before I start cooking. If I need to give math lessons, but the room is littered with this and that, my mind keeps going to the this and that. It’s not about control, it’s about distraction. On many levels I have gotten better at handling this problem of mine, one technique being to cut back on stuff, to prevent it from taking over the house to begin with. My other technique is to simply talk to myself. As if I wasn’t crazy enough to begin with. I find it effective to tell myself things along the lines of, “That mess can wait, stay focused on this lesson with Keats right now.” This is mental exercise for me, and it’s good. I have a houseful of children, so clearly God wants me to learn to manage this little distraction issue of mine. It’s sink or swim. Or is there middle ground? Can I just doggie paddle?
The bottom line is that I have to stay on top of stuff and clutter, I have to. But, it is essential to do this with respect. I do want my children to have a healthy respect for the belongings of others, and it is so very important that I model this behavior. Honestly, looking back on the past few years, I think I’ve done a pretty good job. I nearly always involve my kids in the purging and we discuss the reasons why we can’t hang on to everything. They get to feel like they are in control of the process. I don’t think I will mess up again and clean an older child’s room (my ruthless version of cleaning) without their presence. I made a mistake. I am sorry. I do hope that at the heart of it all that my children will grow up valuing relationships over stuff. Because ultimately that is my goal. I want my time and my attention focused on relationships, not the messes of stuff.
Feel free to share your experiences in this department. I know I am not the only one who struggles with the taming of the stuff monster.
I find this to be such a hard balance. I feel like sending the kids out somewhere with my husband and using that time to completely purge their toys and books. All their stuff and clutter drives me insane, and causes so much fighting between the kids and whining when we ask them to clean it up. I don’t want them to be attached to stuff! You are very blessed to have family that understands and respects your requests for fewer gifts. I’ve had to have some major talks with my mom on this subject, to no avail. So frustrating!
Hey Ginny, I only have three kids, and some of my friends have made comments about the amount of toys, belongings my kids have. Maybe changing your wording would help more than anything. I’ve stopped thinking of my kids toys, and items they collect as just stuff. They are treasures to them. I know we need to be learn to be respectful of the family, space, and each others belongings….I’m sure it takes time.
Another thing you said about wanting them to value relationships over stuff, what’s wrong with them placing value on stuff as you call it? By seeing the value in what your kids value, you’re strengthening relationships.
One more thing….you mentioned have to. No one has to do anything. We have a choice in everything we do. Hope I’m not coming across as know it all. I thought for a while after I read your post before I came back to comment.
Don’t want to make you feel worse, but give food for thought.
All of those things I’ve mentioned to you are things I work on in my own home/life.
Lots of love to you and your family.
You have some really great suggestions here, Ginny. I think realizing you hurt him is the biggest thing. I try to remember that my kiddos have different ideas about clean/dirty, special/inconsequential, important/trash. Their feelings on things need to be respected. On the flip side, my need for order should also be respected. I just bought three portfolios to store my kiddos’ special papers and art work. My daughter was ecstatic. She has a hard time parting with things. With a special place to store them, I am happier and so is she. When it gets full, we will reassess what stays and goes. Toys are constantly given away or passed down. I find they are more willing to part with things if it is their decision. All three of my kiddos will often give their toys away to others. I step out of the way when they want to do this although sometimes they want to give away my favorite toy. One final note is home size. I don’t think the size of the home matters. Even if you had double the square footage, you would still need to make decisions on what stays and what goes. I know people who fill their space and others whol manage it well regardless of size.
I too have started decluttering my life, my children’s (17 &28) & my grandchildren (7 &4). We live in a fairly large 5 bedroom house on rural property, there are barns & sheds everywhere. For some reason that has given my family a reason to hoard everything. I always make monthly trips to one of the charity shops, clothes & toys we no longer need…….. but somehow lots & lots of stuff got past me. My hubby passed away 15 months ago, & now I find myself on a mission to declutter our house, its the only way I can find my sanity. Ive just finished reading a book called Simplicity Parenting, by Kim John Payne & Lisa M Ross, it really motivated me to make many changes that in the past I have been half hearted about. But without a doubt, culling the toys, my little ones didnt even miss the bags & bags of toys I packed from their rooms……… I have kept a small toy library, as the book suggested. They are really cherishing there few belongings again…… its great to see.
Ugh… stuff… my arch nemesis.
If I knew how to deal with stuff I wouldn’t be sitting in a room packed to the gills with it at the moment. I think I’ve spent my whole life dealing with stuff. I move it from one place to another. I donate it, sell it, throw it away but it still seems to occupy my space. We even moved to a bigger house ~ all that did was give us room for more stuff. My advice: stay in a smaller house, it helps keep a lid on the ‘stuff’. And if I ever work out how to deal with it, you’ll be the first to know!
Love this post! I, too, am a purger. I constantly go through things, my own and my kid’s, to donate. I can’t stand the clutter. So funny that you have a box for under the beds – we have the same thing here! My kids do a pretty good job of keeping it to the box, too. Lately, my husband and I have become interested in the way our imported goods are made and the conditions that they people work in who make them. It’s been convicting to think twice before letting certain things come into our home. We’re also trying to use it as a lesson to our kids – not to make them feel guilty – but just so they are aware that not everyone lives as easily as we do here in this country. Good for you for posting this – I think the “stuff monster” has gobbled up so many of our generation!
I have a 2 (almost 3 ) year old with a very long memory and an attachment to all her “stuff”. I have tried the ‘put it away for awhile before you get rid of it and see if she misses it’ tactic. When she was just past the age of 2 I ran into a problem when she wanted something very specific that I had put away, in a box in the closet, over 6 MONTHS ago. I had forgotten all about it (and I thought she had forgotten everything in that box as well, boy was I wrong!) and she was having a difficult time describing exactly what it was she wanted with many tantrums because I didn’t know what she was asking for. We finally figured it out and she was happy when she got her Where’s Waldo doll back. She remembers things from when she was just a baby even. I cannot fathom how and it is very hard to curb all the “stuff” of hers. We do try not to let it in the house as well but some of our relatives don’t really get it and she continues to receive more cheap plastic toys every year. I am at a loss in this department and also in how to teach her not to be so attached to it all. Maybe I should just get rid of a bunch of it when she isn’t looking, I don’t know. It just feels sort of wrong to do it behind her back but how do I get her to let go of things?
I can totally relate. We were blessed with inheriting my in-laws house which is actually the opposite problem. It’s way too much house for us, but we hope to grow into it. In that sort of environment, it’s feels extra difficult to explain to the kids why I can’t handle clutter. Urging them to get rid of stuff when there is a corner we can shove it in seems hard.
My oldest is 7 and I’ve recently let her start going through the toys with me when we’re purging. Up until now, it was something I always did after they were in bed. Every single time they thanked me for “cleaning up” for them, and have never mentioned a toy I got rid of. The last few years, I’ve begun the routine of getting rid of half our toys every summer, and just before Christmas. We only give the kids one toy for Christmas. They sometimes get a non-toy item for their birthday from us. We don’t give them a lot, but we also have many aunts and uncles and grandparents who haven’t been so easily reigned in when it comes to gift giving. I think it’s totally fine to get rid of things without kids’ permission when they are younger.
My 7 year old collects things as well. I’ve learned to give a little when it comes to her room, and let her clutter her shelves more than I would like. However, I have a similar rule to yours when it comes to your box with which your boys keep their things. If the kids things don’t fit in their spots, then things have to go. My oldest is beginning to choose things to leave her space, and I can tell it’s hard.
I’ve learned that talking about what God says about “stuff” really hits her. From a different angle, whenever she sees a picture of a room she likes, I analyze it with her. “I like that room too! Now if you were in this room would you keep this table the same as the picture, or would you put your stack of jewelry boxes there? Would you keep the walls the same, or would you put up your shelves for stuff?” When used with the right tone, she really gets thinking of what she wants and starts taking control over her stuff.
Like weeding a garden, it’s not something that I have to do once with her (or myself!) It takes constant reminding, and constant analysis.
I’d like to share an idea with all of you who have children with a collection of “stuff” . I am an assemblage artist so I too have a collection of stuff in my art room, that I use to create art with.
Instead of making your children throw out their prized collection allow them to create with it.
Buy your son/daughter a large canvas and good strong glue and let them use their imaginations to create something beautiful . Then allow him/her to hang their work in their room or in the house somewhere. Then your issue with all the collections is tamed down and you got an original piece of art out of the deal and your son is honoring his collection by displaying it in an art piece. If your children prefer building instead of gluing onto canvas ,allow them to build something out of their collection . I am posting a link to my art blog so you can get an idea of what can be built with what some might think is junk. http://lostfoundcreated.blogspot.com/
-Ginger 🙂
I’m glad I’m not the only one. I seriously can’t function if things are out of order. I am guilty of getting rid of my kid’s stuff when they aren’t aware. You know it’s bad when your 3 year old asks if you sold one of his toys on Craigslist!
My 3 yr old did the same thing.
Hi Ginny!
My eldest is 10 and has Aspergers, he loves his stuff.
When we were talking about the concept of love he listed me, a dog we sat over a year ago, his lego, his toys and collections. His dad and brother didn’t get a mention. I think Stephen just attaches emotion in a different way to me. He has so much stuff and we are a low stimulus (stuff) household. He keeps everything. When I drew the line at used popsical sticks he cried.
We make rules about what are outside collections (sticks, shells, acorns etc) and every month or so we have a sorting party, he is starting to realise that all of his belongings aren’t loved the same and can priortise them (step 1).
I love your blog Ginny, thank you for keeping it.
oxox
Oh, you treated this topic so gracefully – errors made and lessons learned. And yes, the stuff. It can overwhelm, regardless of restrictions set. Perhaps even *more* with restrictions, only because that is where our focus is. I find my centre of balance gets choked by clutter, and there is a lot of clutter. Especially all of the hand-along clothing, which is both a gift and a curse. Sigh. I think I need to recalibrate with a Stuff Purge to regain my equilibrium.
Ginny I have to say I understand you from two aspects. Our son is a hoarder pure and simple. I call him Fred (as in Fred Sandford from the show). He has kept bottle caps and used straws – ugh. And as many times as I have purged, cleaned and tried to show him that having so much ‘stuff’ doesn’t make his life better just more cluttered, he still collects and keeps.
I so understand your need for order. I have Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia and Lead Poisoning and with little energy to spare order and organization is so necessary for me. I cannot handle clutter. My brain cannot handle clutter. There are places in our house that drive me crazy but right now I don’t have the energy right now to purge, clean and organize. So I make lists of what I will do. I so get it.
I totally understand what you’re saying. It’s so hard to know what “things” will matter to them later…. one man’s junk, another’s treasure. My youngest son collected plastic lids he found. I didn’t even know this until I found 15 or so soda bottle lids in a baggie. We rarely drink soda, so I knew they didn’t come from my house. It turned out he had been collected them from wherever he saw them on the ground. Gross. He also picked up every random little “special” rusted piece of metal we would pass on a walk. Until you have a small child, you have no idea how much “special” stuff that isn’t God made, there is mixed in with the ground.
Anyway, it sounds like you are doing a great job. I think our children learn a lot from how we handle it when we make mistakes. If they see us acknowledge the mistake gracefully, it’s a great example to them.
Hello Ginny, I really identified with this! When I was a little girl I was out of town and my father’s fiance (my soon-to-be-stepmother) decided to clean out my bedroom and threw out a big bag full of broken dolls and ponies that belonged to my sister and I. It took me such a long time to forgive her for it, and yet now as a grown up I realize how badly she perhaps needed to do that, when I am faced with wanting to weed out so much of what I consider “junk” that my daughter likes to hoard and collect. I try to make purging a very regular event so that she has lots of practice with not hanging on to things that really need to be given away and being very vigilant as you say about “what comes in the door in the first place” but it is definitely hard. Unfortunately unlike you, my kids have some very generous grandparents (my in laws) who love nothing more than to load them up with all kinds of items. It drives me batty. Now it looks like we will be moving into a new home for the next 4 years that is well under 900 square feet, so that may just give me the excuse to tell them the gift trains have to stop.
Love this post. All of my kids hang onto stuff as do I. I think my middle son is the most intense about it. He saves scraps and I mean scraps of paper, all kinds of stuff. I think he would have managed to save money during the Depression. He cried when we took baby toys and clothes to Goodwill, (as in 6mo size-same with some toys (and I saved plenty). Poor child was in tears when he realized we weren’t going back for the stuff. Anyway, I have no advice. I think you are doing a great job. It’s always a process and we are all trying to learn not to get super duper attached to things.
My daughter likes her stuff too. She wants to hang onto everything. I will recycle many things (especially papers) when she isn’t looking, she is known for digging things out of the recycle bin. She thinks we should hang on to every paper that she has touched or any paper with anything of remote interest. I keep things that I know are dear to her, most stuff I recycle or donate are never even missed and if they are it is very, very briefly. I tried to get her to give some gently used items to needy children around Christmas and we literally had a showdown. She wouldn’t give anything. I was enraged that she could be so selfish. I totally overreacted. Later she cried and said she was sorry and gave something small, which was a start. I guess it’s just like anything else, we just need to practice. I need to have her in on the process of purging and donating so she gets that practice. I hope I don’t see her on an episode of “Horders” one day.
Its kinda funny. Lately I have been muddling in dyslexia habits with my oldest. Apparently kids with learning disabilities, like dyslexia, will hoard and pile, yet know where in the midst of the mess something of importance is to them. I felt bad at just recently discovering it because I would routinely “clean” these piles up much to her chagrin, because…yes, we have a family of 6 living in a 900 sq ft home..so I get it. And yes, those piles get mighty distracting to others..even if they are in the corners of the hoarder’s bedroom, which is shared. My poor Bella has no space, but the top bunk. Thankfully we are moving, which is giving me a good chance to weed out the “trash” literally. *sigh* Hang in there, he’ll forgive you…eventually.
:)Lisa
Oh, my three boys collect rocks, shells, sea glass, snake skins, sticks, leaves, feathers, and much much, more
I designated a place outside where outside things can live.
One also collects snapple lids for the jokes etc inside, and those again have an outside home.
I agree with the earlier post – camera idea, we have a lot of photos of things.
this summer we read Franklin’s Messy Room and The Bearenstain Bears Messy Room and we talked about getting some extra storage and then recycling/donating the rest that had no homes.
Both of these books show that organising the room with extra boxes makes it easier to clean etc. Franklin finds many lost items and makes something new, the BBears also donate old toys etc in another book.
I realised that they really did NEED a little more acceptable storage. Sometimes that’s all it takes, the acceptance on our parts that another box or shelf that we approve of is OK.
One thing I got and really liked was a 6 cubby storage shelf, you can get them at Lowes or Target. they can be positioned 2 high and 3 wide or the reverse. And the top is also a space to put something special. Or make something similar that will fit in their room if you have the ability.
All three of my boys share a 10×12 room, so they each got 2 cubbies. One open one to store favorite books etc and one with a storage basket that fits. They each chose a different color and all the little “treasures” that I don’t want to see can now be stashed in the ‘basket’.
When I want to tidy their stuff I can put it in their color of Basket until another day. I do however remove all rocks, feathers etc to the outside place.
The Fly Lady – who I used to read – had a page where people had made many wonderful suggestions for clutter free gifts.
also Last year we decided to take our small special things that were part of broken sets etc and turn them into Christmas Tree Ornaments.
One day we will miss all this STUFF, but we do need to help them learn how to take care of it while we can. Good Luck Ginny.
I am going to go run my shredder to try and tame my home office right now, nothing like a good example!
I always wonder how the Pioneers dealt with this problem? I know that they had few belongings but obviously they still kept everything. In one of the later Little House books, Ma makes a gift out of wrapping paper she had from the first book! I am just wondering where she kept it when they had moved a few times in between? I love to get rid of things and declutter but sometimes wonder if I should keep some things? Having a bunch of children I love to pass down toys and clothes (which saves a lot of $$) but doing so I wonder if saving the $$ is worth the time spent dealing with STUFF>
I deal with the same issues. I have a very hard time staying focused, especially if everything around me is in chaos. I feel bad, because I know I drive my husband crazy. I am trying to control it so that my son doesnt have to deal with these same issues. It really can be a challenge sometimes.
I feel you! I was nodding along the whole time. The clutter thing is so hard! We only have two kids, but our house is 800 square feet, with no closets or storage spaces. I just CAN’T handle lots of stuff around – I sort of get ‘clutter claustrophobia’ and get anxiety being around it. My friends often comment on how clutter-free my place is, but it’s because I am always sneaking things out into the garage and off to the goodwill!
I feel like I am turning into a mean mama sometimes when I hear myself asking my husband, “can’t we just tell the entire family and all our friends to stop giving our kids presents?” or when I start planning how to get rid of something the instant it enters my house. But we just don’t need any more stuff and it makes us all nuts! The stuff just keeps coming, and if I didn’t stay on top of it it would take over our house. I think I just need to get more clear with people about it. Thanks for talking about your own clutter experience – it helps to hear other mama’s experiences with this kind of thing. Take care 🙂
I found myself nodding my head in agreement to this post. I am like you in that I find it hard to stay focused when I see things that need to be done. It drives my husband crazy when I can’t sit and just “chill out”, I keep getting up to put something away or tidy something. I find my mind is always going over all the things I should be doing, relaxing can’t happen until those things are done (hence I don’t relax much lol).
My house is cluttered, all the kids like their “stuff” and I am hesitant to toss things because when I was a kid I remember coming home from school and my mum had decided during the day that I was too old for my stuffed animals and took them all to the charity shop. I was devastated and to this day I still remember a couple of the items that she had deemed “not going to be missed”. I always swore I would never do that to my kids and hence we have clutter lol. BUT this year I am determined to get stuff gone out of the house! This is the year for our house to become more of a home lol.
The clutter monkey is always on my back. With 8 kids it seems never ending. One day back when I only had 3 little kids, I had to clean out the boys room because I could not see the floor. I decided that they had way too many toys and I told them we would go through them and only keep the ones that were special to them. Big mistake! All of a sudden every toy was “feshial” to them. I had to be strong and just make the judgement call. They have never missed any of the toys I got rid of but they do get nervous if I offer to clean their rooms with them lol.
Oh golly, I am right there with you. We downsized to a smaller house (half the size of our old house) so I could stay home with my children. It meant really streamlining our possessions. It was hard the the basement and garage are still pretty full of stuff.
My son also sounds a bit like Seth – at 5 yrs old he remembers everything. If I throw something away, months later the question comes… “Mom, remember that xyz thing? Where is it? Did you throw/give it away?” I try to teach them the value of stuff as well and that the more we have the harder it is to take care of it and the less we appreciate it. But they have a hard time with it.
I also find the level of stuff a HUGE distraction and I loved your story about the hair in your face when cooking – that sort of stuff totally drives me mad. I find that I even get sidetracked when I start tidying up b.c I need to do something else. Cleaning off the counter to cook dinner can easily turn into a bill paying session resulting in late dinner and fussy little ones…
Thanks for sharing and letting me share in turn.
~Lindsay
Oh, the question of stuff is so difficult! But I think you address it with a great deal of grace. We do similar things in terms of not letting things come in the front door and having a special basket under the bed. It is hard though, especially as my husband is a “collector” and “Oh but this might be useful one day” type, and I am an absolute minimalist. Consulting as a family is the only way we get anywhere.
Thank you for sharing your process.
Oh do we struggle with the “stuff”. Unfortunately neither my husband nor I are especially tidy people. We aren’t slobs but we don’t have a compulsion to clean either. Like you, I find it so distracting. It is actually one of my resolutions this year to clean out a lot of the “stuff” and to take in much less. It can be so paralyzing. I wish we could get our families on the same page. Every time my girls come home from visiting relatives something makes its way back into the house. My in laws are hoarders. Plain and simple. Their solution to going through stuff is to give it to us. So frustrating.
I appreciate your honesty in your writing. The love and respect that you have for your family shines through always. In “managing stuff” you opened up a dialogue that is perfectly timely for me as I am faced with all our “stuff” as we pack up to move and as I have the words from “Organized Simplicity” working through my brain and heart. I have found the comments here to be very helpful too. Clearly, you hit on an area that we are all working on. Living in the moment, trusting that all will be well, and keeping what is truly important in the forefront are very important tools in this struggle. I think it’s so interesting that, as I am re-reading the New Testament, I find that Jesus asks us to employ those tools. As parents, we also are asked to teach our children to do it as well. But we can’t expect them to understand and find meaning in the same way that we do, we have to figure out what is “age appropriate” and each child is different within that framework. If we look on this issue as a learning opportunity for ourselves and our children, it seems to take the “judgement” out of the equation. I feel sad to read, even if it is between the lines, that you might be judging yourself or be concerned about being judged. You are doing a great job and you inspire me to do better. As always, I am so thankful for your blog.
I’m comforted to know so many other moms have the same problem. Our big one is stuffed animals. My daughter was the first grandbaby in our family, so the gifts came flooding in, and for some reason each and every item was accompanied by a stuffed animal or two (or three). They are in several bins in my daughter’s room but end up scattered around over time until I’m tripping over them everywhere. I’ve begged my husband and children to help me purge some but they all think I am being horribly cruel. So now whenever I load up a goodwill bag with clothes and shoes, I dig to the bottom of the bins, find one or two (or more) stuffed animals or dollies that aren’t played with, and pop them in the bag. So far none have been missed. As for other toys, I box up the random junk that seems to have no home, put it in the basement, and if it isn’t missed/asked for in 6 months or so, I chuck it.
i too have a struggle with this. i have two children who love stuff. love it and collect actual garbage and have this burning desire to keep it in boxes, bags, whatever they can keep it in, all the time. i honestly don’t get it. and i have gone thru stuff and put it in the garage to see if they even miss it, and 9 times out of 10 no one even knows the stuff is gone. it is just the idea of collecting and keeping that seems to be the thing they like to do. i have often wondered if 2 of my 6 children will be hoarders.
I have two teenage daughters..and I stay out of their rooms as far as cleaning goes. I try to be a good example as for cleaning the rest of our small home and our bedroom. I have seen that when I start cleaning our room and they can see what a clean and picked up room looks like….. many times that is when they start picking up their own rooms..smile.. lead by example..works for us..smile
~~Renee
My boys are pre-teens now and my husband and I do not like going into their room. It’s uncomfortable, both mentally and physically (I don’t know any parent who appreciates stepping on tiny legos in the middle of the night).
So this year, I’m working on bits of their room that matter the most to me (the art supplies and books) and my husband is working on the top landing of the stairs to their room (that matters most to him). The boys will be responsible for clearing out broken toys and “things” that don’t really belong to anything else. Also, I want them to go through their cloths so we can donate and sell anything not in use or too small.
Our oldest cried giant tears when we discussed this in one of our family meetings. Our youngest is not with us all the time (his Mama has full custody) so he saw it as an opportunity to assert his organizational skills and wear his “management hat”. Because our youngest is not the owner of most of the things in the room we had to make a special rule that he is not allowed to throw anything away. Rather, we give him a box and he can nicely place things in there that he sees as broken or not needed.
In a way, this sounds like an echo to your predicament. Where you have a child who is not so attached to “things” and one that is.
What I find most helpful for my oldest is that he feels supported and heard. He is like this about almost every aspect in his life. He has a hard time letting go and letting be, except for when it comes to putting in the work (but that’s a different story). I feel like this is just part of his personality and we as a family need to be there to support that. Just as we support our youngest being more independent but craves structure and will even ask for a written schedule when he comes to visit.
These little people will one day be out in the world leading their families and possible others through daily life. It’s important to show them respect so they know that goodness and communication can carry them far in life, so they know what respect is.
It sounds like you are doing well in this department. Kuddos!
This is my “comment”. I am an artist. There is just no way around it. There are many reasons I may have something that looks like “just a rock” or “just a shell” a leaf, a beautiful jar of buttons, a feather, a broken tarnished bracelet. It might be a color,texture, shape. If someone went through my home, my things, and delegated their thoughts and views on my items of course I might possibly call them horrid as well. (with tears streaming down my face)insert humble smile here. There would be no way I could explain why I like/ need/ want these pretty-to-me objects and things. I am an adult, thankfully my husband and family understand and I have learned over the years. once those beautiful leaves that took my breath away loose their color and crinkle and break. well, next year fall will happen again and I can collect to my hearts content. (Does he have a camera where he can photograph things that he finds interesting instead of bringing them in the home? Beautiful art materials of his very own to keep a Nature journal with/in?) I am sure after reading this post you have given him a true deep apology and will make a deal to not do this again. Parents are humans after all, so apologies are a necessary tool I learned. wink. Maybe you can help him to make a safe place outside for treasures? Also make a date to reevaluate his system- that HE is to respect his brother and their shared space and keep it clean and tidy so that you dont have to help him. An agreed upon once-a week or whatever time you set for you to inspect it. (mine was an hour-ish before bed each evening to give time to clean!) Some of my children had no attachment to things while others did. We all have our struggles, its the inner ones that matter the most. its all grace.
I very often daydream about being a monk of sorts with two changes of clothes, a bedroll, and perhaps a pot to cook in! 🙂
Phew! I’m glad you wrote “to cook in” because that’s NOT how I thought that sentence would end. 🙂
Oh laughing here–when comments come through in my email, I have no way of knowing if they are aimed at the original post, or in reply to another comment!
And I am sorry, but I decided years ago that I could never become a nun because I couldn’t keep the vows of obedience and poverty(chastity didn’t seem that much a problem)…and unfortunately, I am still a “collector” with stuff both in the USA and a full house in Italy. I sympathize with your son and I appreciate that you realized how important certain things are. But you all have to survive. As you stated, maybe you should agree beforehand especially with older kids. Please, don’t be too hard on yourself, though!
There can be joy in having a “smallish” house. I remember thinking how wonderful our 990sq ft house was for three kids…and now trying to keep the stuff under control with five kids is nearly impossible with this huge house of 2200 sq ft. (!) I think that Lent and Advent are just the right times to do a deeper purge. I need to do better about clothes. That’s my nemesis. And it’s so hard to get my extended family to join us in not gifting us with so much stuff. But I try not to feel bad when we pass it on to others who can use it/store it. 🙂 Thanks for sharing. (wishing today I had my small house back).
we are a family of seven living in 1600 sq ft so i get it. to make it worse, i’m a minimalist and can’t stand the accumulation of things. i allow the kids books, lots and lots of books, and they each have their special things (legos, thomas the train set, waldorf doll + accessories, etc.). each year mid-autumn we go through and purge their toys and give them to st. v de p, then think carefully about what would most benefit them for christmas gifts from extended family (they get handmade from mama and daddy plus one gift from santa). so i try to keep things going out as things are coming in. that said, there are jam jars full of rocks and shells and clover and acorns and acorn tops and berries and dirt and i make those stay outside in their *ahem* natural habitat. unless it goes on the nature table, it stays outside.
so all of that rambling to say, maybe make your kids a part of the purging process? i do try to include mine as we go through their toys and stuff, let them help make decisions while gently guiding them (especially if i know they haven’t touched the item in question in months).
With 7 children in our house and two adults the taming of “stuff” is needed. I think its needed regardless of how many is in a household, otherwise it takes over your home..it is a monster !
Like you I involve the children and each have a box and if it rises above the level of this box then it is time to have a clear out, its good for the mind and soul. All things run better and more smoothly when everything is in order and there are no distractions, thats just how things are well in my household anyway. I work of the principle of if its not been worn in the last 6 months then its time to donate or recycle and if its not been used in the last 3 then the same needs to be done.
It is very inspiring to read your story and see how well you manage with your children. I took adderal all through my twenties and into my thirties until I became pregnant with my first. I will never go back to it, although my husband sometimes wishes I would. I have a constant battle with stuff as well–and I only have two children. My children have a lot fewer toys than most of their friends, but it still seems overwhelming. My main problem is artwork. My daughter, who is five, produces probably 8 drawings a day, and other creations, and I don’t know how to manage them. I do surreptitiously throw some away. I know that there is an organized way to deal with it all-and I do try to display it, but I get overwhelmed easily.
I have heard of people keeping photos of artwork. This might help?
My biggest struggle is getting family to understand what we’re attempting by limiting the “stuff” that comes into our house, and with respecting it. Some family members are better than others, and some really seem to go out of their way to defy our wishes in this area by buying not only a lot of things, but a lot of things they know we don’t want our children to have to begin with – but everyone seems to have this idea that we’re depriving them. And for some reason people seem to feel that if they have $25 to spend, it’s better to get a bunch of $5 things (that will probably fall apart or break almost as soon as we get them home) than it is to get one well-made $25 thing. I’m at a loss about how to deal with that (and I’m open to suggestions from anyone who has been there & done that).
So far I don’t know what my children’s temperaments will be with regard to their possessions. Because they are so close in age, most of their possessions are by necessity shared, and I hope that will help them as time goes on to develop a healthy attitude toward “stuff.” Only time will tell, I suppose… xo
Oh, the gifts! My parents are the worst about the overload of cheap crap that just takes over, and I really need to learn how to purge better. Fortunately, my daughter is young enough that I can just do it, for the most part, but I feel bad.
We’re moving next week, so I’m really in the thick of it right now. I really need to adjust my own attitude about “stuff” before my daughter picks up on it too much.
We deal with the same issues on gifts from one side of the family. It’s like there is this need to have many wrapped presents to open rather than focusing more on the quality of the gifts being given. My husband and I are working on it with the extended family members … we tend to give very specific lists of wanted gifts (and only one or two things per kid) but still things creep in there … I can say this Christmas was better than last from one person because we bought a group gift for her to give to the kids. Thankfully the extended family members are willing to work with us a bit, but it’s been a long road to get here (and in some ways it is better with four kids as they have less to spend per kid, but that can also cause problems as they still want each child to have more than one or two gifts to open).
I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing the other day about Organized Simplicity being a free kindle download. I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me it was going to change the way I look at my home and my life, even my relationship with God, but it is. I am constantly reading my husband quotes from the book and (not so) coincidentally he is telling me things that tie in, from sermons he listens to on his iPod at work. We are becoming more in tune with each other, streamlining our home and thinking about future purchases this way… a quote from one of the sermons “We are so inebriated with stuff of future garage sales[…]” ( -Matt Chandler) Puts it into perspective, huh? Anyway, sorry to write a book on your comments page, but I just wanted to share with you that it’s been a blessing to our family. =] Keep up the good posts!
Our house is fairly spacious, but still it is easy, with a family of packrats, to become overwhelmed with stuff. Fortunately, there is a constant internal battle going on between Nadja the Frugal Who Must Save Everything Possibly Useful and Nadja Who Cannot Think Amidst the Clutter. When it reaches a certain point, the latter takes over and we have an all-out purge. I will argue about what must go with the kids, but if they are really insistent, I will use your box-in-the-attic method. I also limit what comes in here, and before Christmas we purge, the rule being, no new stuff until some old stuff goes!
BTW, my nephew with Aspergers is a Collector of Many Things, too!
D’ya think I used enough caps in this comment…?
We are in a similar situation as you- we are expecting our 6th this summer and live in a small house (just under 1500 sq ft since we converted our garage to a bedroom for the boys (it is also a laundry/storage/pantry as well). It is a constant struggle with stuff- especially as a homeschooling family- that adds quite a bit of extra stuff, plus I have my own (small) etsy shop and have a plethora of sewing and arts and crafts supplies. I sometimes struggle with the balance of teaching the kids to value their things (take good care of them) but not let them be more important than their relationships. We’ve been reading Little House in the Big Woods out load at dinner and I have found myself thinking a lot more about the stuff we have in our home- usually not until after I bring it home and am like “why did I just buy that? Do we really need a…..?” Or “What would the Ingles think about …..?” The kids have even been impacted by the book- my oldest was talking to her sibs the other day about how happy the Ingles kids were to receive so little for Christmas and how they get so much are are so quickly discontent. Bottom line- I wish I were better at controlling and corralling the stuff in our house- what I could really use is someone who can come over and be ruthless in purging all the un-needed stuff 🙂
p.s. I also struggle with “focus” issues as you call them. Just ask my kids how often I burn the bread when I toast in under the broiler, lol 🙂
I blogged about this here: http://ourfieldoflittleflowers.blogspot.com/2011/06/family-or-stuff.html
Thank you for sharing your insights. I want the kids to have memories of things we’ve done together so a special rock, leaf, or collection of shells is something I strive to respect. However, it still comes down to family or stuff…which would I choose? I’ve been on the opposite end of those angry words accusing me of getting rid of something precious. It’s not fun. I have to keep remembering that they will still love me because I’m their mother not because of all their precious collections I saved for them.
Taming the stuff monster. Isn’t that the truth! I struggle with too much ‘stuff’ and feel at times I’m drowning in the mess. I like a neater place and feel like I can think more clearly when things are in their place. But it’s a struggle. What if I might need it later on? What if I could use it later? Craft supplies, fabric, yarn(!), books are the biggest areas to declutter… I think it has to do with a heart issue as well. Do I amass this ‘stuff’ because I feel better or more safe. Do I trust the Lord or my stuff. Do I find satisfaction in him (ultimately) or am I finding more satisfaction and contentment in the piles of ‘stuff’ in my home? Ugh. I have really no good advice because what I say (write in this case) is something I need to put into action myself.
In terms of cleaning kids’ stuff – I’ve been guilty of that too. I think you’re right in teaching them the heart attitude towards their collections.
We are 3 people (soon to be four) living in less than 700 square feet. We have no outdoor space except for two tiny balconies… so I totally know what you are talking about (only there are more people in your family). I hate stuff.. I hate it when stuff keeps piling in the same spots and I have to point out again and again that it is a hot spot. What I do to keep control of it is what you do with the little kids things. I collect a whole box full of stuff (this can be anything, even kitchen utensils I hardly use) and bring it to the attic. Out of sight, I do not feel attached to it. I realize I can do without many of the things. I even forget about them. Not even a year later, and it’s going on the trash.
But I know it’s hard. Little ones play with so much more than just regular toys and at times it’s hard to figure out what they feel attached to and what they just play with because it’s there.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
Oh, you are definitely not the only one! We live in a *very* teeny tiny home, our family of five. And, as I have gotten older, I am very much bothered by, what i consider, too much stuff. Whether I can see it or not, if I know it’s there and taking up space we just can not afford in this tiny house, it drives me to distraction. I actually just blogged yesterday, after one of my very regular purging sessions. I crave simplicity and it’s a struggle when my children hold on to things. Lots of ‘junk’ like what you were talking about. we go through toys and things and it’s no biggie. The more we do it the more they get into it and sometimes purge on their own. But they hold onto countless scraps of paper and things from outside, that are frankly just dirty.
But, like you, I have learned that suddenly, with my eldest (6.5) I do have to tread very carefully when I’m purging without their knowledge. The littler ones don’t notice what’s gone, but if I’ve gone into her ‘junk’ stuff, she knows and it’s not OK like it once was and even though it bothers me to keep it around, respect for her is of the utmost importance here.
Oh! Another quick thought: there are lamps you can get that are clear glass on the base so you can fill it with objects. My sister had one as a kid (probably any glass lamp would do so long as you can access the inside) and filled it with shells. You could give this to your oldest for rocks and shells. It would have a purpose (rooms need light) and be neat, but also be an additional storage place. You could also tell him that he can only keep shells/rocks that go into it: so next year if he brings home more than can fit in the lamp, he has to sort through his collection himself and discard as many as won’t fit in. This will contain that particular collection to never more than could fit in a lamp.
I’ve never heard of or seen such a lamp. I think I’ll google around to find one.:) Thanks for the idea.
http://www.squidoo.com/lamps-to-display-things-in
this might get you off to a good start? I heard them called ginger jar lamps but see that is just one shape.
I think for some kids, belongings – and it seems with my son, like yours, often the least savoury and most unsual found objects or unique works of art crafted from mouldering junk – are highly highly significant. I help my 8 yo son manage his ever expanding stuff by allowing him to store every piece of paper he touches in a box in his cupboard – when it is full, we weed through and I aim to reduce it by half each weed through and he can manage because with the passing of time, the paper is less important. In the same way, he has boxes, tins and jars to store stuff in – and when they get full we weed them down again. Having designated spots to keep his art/scupltures/models works in the same way – the top of his secretaire is his art space and when it is full I coach him through the process of deciding which art is ready to relocate and which should be kept longer. I think having a hoarding child is a challenge – but I know for my son I link it back to losing so many possessions through being adopted and his special issues with regard to trauma. Being a mama is an adventure, right?
I’m the opposite in that I have way too much stuff. I admit horror at the idea of you recklessly getting rid of things put in a box (sitting on the floor getting stepped on is one thing; a box denotes a level of caring about the objects) without consulting the owner. And I still would probably consult the owner if the items were in good condition on the floor (a broken shell thrown out; a whole shell, consult).
At the same time, I’m not sure about the level of healthiness I have with things myself. I can part with items, I don’t think I’m a hoarder, but it is not easy for me. And I do not feel relief. It is a messy and annoying thing that has to happen; there is no ‘whew, less stuff’ feeling.
I do remember the few times my parents got fed up with my stuff when I was a kid and threw things out willy-nilly as traumatic. I do not, however, remember what things where thrown away. It was more the outrage that my parent would force me to part with something I wasn’t ready to yet than it was they got rid of something so dear to me I would mourn its loss forever.
One thing I have done as an adult that is helping me is that if I’m thinking “I don’t want to part with X because of fond memories, so and so gave it to me, it’s my last reminder from this time” or whatever, but I can’t actually think of any purpose to keeping it except fondness or memories, I take a picture of it. Then I throw out/donate it. This way I can keep the photo as a memory. Perhaps you could try that with your children? (But to be honest, I don’t think this would have worked with me as a kid. Kids are so much more tactile than adults.)
This is not in anyway meant to be condemning or anything. Like I said, my own relation with stuff may not be healthy, but I thought I’d share as someone from the opposite side of the coin.
PS. You and I would drive each other crazy. If a place is too clean, too streamlined, I can’t feel at home. I like what most other people consider ‘clutter’ and feel more comfortable with at least a moderate level of it, in order to relax.
My attempt at controlling stuff is pretty much like yours. My younger son is a pack rat. I mean EVERYTHING is important to him. So usually, I drag him up to his room for an afternoon of purging once every couple of months. If I continually find the same thing in the way, I pack it up in a box and put it in the basement. In 6 months, if he hasn’t asked for it, it goes to the good will…except when I have pre-get-red-of-guilt…then I wait about a year. It works fairly well. They have become a lot more conscious of what comes into the house in the first place.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this today.